King Dottie and his gnarly twig

King Dottie and his gnarly twig

They say that crown is really a wig

They say his kingdom is really weak

But to be fair he’s only done it for a week

King Dottie and his dirty clothes

They say the dots are flies in loads

They say his eyes are really warts

And that he only command through his farts

 

King Dottie and his seal clad castle

(building that fortress was really a hassle!)

Goblin King, Saviour, he’s all they got

Vanquisher, Invader - but always old Dot

 

 

Golemblins

If you fill a wooden barrel with goblin intestines - and one or several other mundane things - under a full moon while reciting the nine verses of Bubbling Blurbs of Boghat, you'll get a golemblin.

For every mundane thing you throw in, roll a d6 and look up the result below:
1: utter failure. Regardless of what you've tossed in, the golemblin goes insane and rages, starting with you
2-3: yay, the item's positive side-effect kicks in
4: both positive and negative side-effect (if any) kicks in
5-6: yikes, only the negative side-effect of this item kicks in

Golemblins speak ghargel - a mixed dialect that sounds like stew cooking. If a golemblin gets into a heaty discussion, it may start to leak some of its gooey inside through whatever cracks in the barrel it speaks through (some golemblins have thus talked themselves to death by dehydration).

You may put in some other stuff as well to give additional properties. Be inspired by this nice table compiled by the folks over at Google+:

#	Item	Positive effect	Negative effect
1	Copper wires	Electrical attack	Chance of getting electrified and stunned when hit by metal
2	Hot coals	Smoke attack	Gets a heart of burning coal that needs to be kept burning by feeding it hot embers. One hot ember keeps the heart burning for 24 hours. There is also a chance the Golemblin creates a small flame around it whenever it takes damage.
3	Raptor claws	Extra claw attack	Gains an extra arm and claw but develops physical dysphoria and gets -1d6 on all attacks
4	Crystal ball	Clairvoyance	Makes a sound of crushing glass when walking that can be heard about 20 feet away
5	Elf ears	Sharp senses	Elf ears
6	Crushed butterflies	Flight	Addiction to pollen
7	Duckling	More obedient to its creator	Won't shut up
8	Beef shank	More HP	Is lazy and sleepy all the time
9	Jug of moonshine	Bonus to morale, immune to fear	Sings, stumbles, is drunk all the time
10	Bowl of curdled milk	Fireproof	Stinks
11	Sulfur and saltpetre	Shoots fire blasts	Explodes when reduced to 0 hp
12	Hangman's noose	Has +3 to all saving throws	Everyone in 10' radius has -3 to all saving throws
13	Big diamond	AC as full plate	Kleptomaniac
14	Viper skins	Poison bite	Always lies
15	Turtle shell	Plus 1 to AC	Moves at half speed
16	Troll skull	19 Strength	2 Intelligence
17	Rabbit's foot	Reroll 1s	Always limping
18	Tree branch	Bark skin	Stiff like a tree: -1d6 to Dexterity/Agility/Flexibility
19	Spotted dog	trip attack and good sense of smell	Prone to chasing small animals
20	Eye of a flesh demon of Choom	Cone of Disintegration	disassociative flesh tends to collapse on a failed Con save every round, pulling itself together slowly
21	Big rock	Slam and knockdown attack
22	Little rock	Slingshot attack
23	Dirty shoe	Stinking cloud attack
24	Floppy hat	Circle of comfortable shade (protects goblins from sunlight)
25	Eyepatch	Blindness attack
26	Coil of rope	Entangling lasso attack
27	Ingot of iron	Cold iron attack
28	Shiver of silver	Silver attack
29	Lump of gold	Detect richest target
30	Clod of clay	Slowing attack
31	Shard of pottery	Banish attack (ostrakha)
32	Axehead	Slashing attack
33	Bundle of bolts	Shoots bolts of goblin juju
34	Stack of paper	Administrative red tape aura increases zone of control	Extremely good at administrative tasks but is not very likely to follow any order unless it is administrative. Has a fondness for complicated tasks that takes long time to complete.
35	Coiled spring	Jump attack
36	Toy or real clown	Fear attack
37	Snail	Slime attack	Any movement is at half speed
38	Puppy dog's tail	Aura of cuteness
39	Cat eyes	Sees in the dark	Get an own agenda (only known to the Golemblin) to serve itself and wont hesitate to use others to fulfill it.
40	Frog legs	Leap and swimming	Gets slimy mucous coverd skin that is glue like
41	Fish tails	Faster swimming	Very short memory
42	Seven snakes	Constriction attack with intestines in barrel	Petrifying gaze.
43	Sword and stone	True king detection	Chance of havinging attacks returned on self.
44	Crypt Cup	-1d6 to highest ability, -1d6 to lowest ability	If the same character drings from the cup twice, it turns to dust. -1d6 on ALL abilites
45	Molted snake skin	Oily skin making it difficult to grapple	Get blind and only sense vibrations (not that sensitive though)
46	Handful of candy	Moves faster and is permanently excited (will not retreat)	Huge deficit of attention - Easy to distract
47	Marbles	Impossible to trip and make fall prone	Clattering noise (no surprise)
48	Watercolour palette	Can open passages through walls by painting a door	Becomes mute and socially awkward

(Contributors in no particular order: Luka Rejec, Liban Issa, Simon Forster, Łukasz Krupiński, Cody Mazza, Jean-François Lebreton, and that Swedish bloke.)

Some nice illustrations by some very talented people to get your imagination going:

Matthew Adams
("A barrel Golem, made with predominately with snails and spiders. I suspect an apple with a maggot was thrown in too.")

Henrik Rosenborg

Scrap Princess

Scrap Princess

Luka Rejec

Actual footage of an actual golemblin. Taken in Sweden yesterday by yours truly.

Goblins

Compulsive goblin carolers

Goblins love to sing.

Or, rather, to make sounds with their throats that only differs from their usual babble in that it is more rhythmical.

So, goblins love to make sounds with their throats. During the high season of the annual common goblin cold, some are struck by another compulsive behavior: they need to spread these guttural ear diseases throughout the queendoms.

Forming a band of goblin carolers

Grab any number of dice (equal to how many carolers you want), throw them, and look up each die result below.

• Even number represents multitasking goblins: they both sing and play an instrument
• Odd number are goblins that just "sings"
• The number 1 is special: this is a goblin that is conducting the group. This goblin is thankfully mostly quiet

Instrument (even number-goblins)

Those who both sing and play an instrument, may (roll again):

1. Sing into a wooden bucket, held in front of their face, for that "special" effect
2. Hit the nearest goblins with a wooden spoon, more or least on beat
3. Play the "flute", by sticking any number of fingers into their mouth and blow
4. Play the "trumpet", by grabbing and blowing into another goblin's ear
5. Snapping their toes
6. Thrusting a sword into a pile of snow repeatedly 

The conductor

For a baton, this goblin use (roll again):

1. His long, gnarly nose
2. Two arrows tied together with a bit of string
3. A twig, too long to handle gracefully
4. Piece of goblin underwear 
5. "INVISIBLE SUPER POINTY SINGY THING!!" (nothing, but he's a great poser)
6. An animal leg, alarmingly fresh

Titles of songs they may (try) to "sing"
Roll once for each column, combine:

1	The joy of	licking	sticky trees
2	Hark, the angels are	fighting	piles of snow
3	Blessed Brood Mother, she who is	eating	people
4	Goblins sing while	gargling	loudly
5	Ugly humans,	farting	poison
6	Snow fall, start	being	hung over

These bands of goblin carolers travel the roads, sneaking up on people to perform their songs. They will sing 1d4 songs, after which they will attack their audience on sight.

The annual common goblin cold

During the long, cold winter, 1 out of 20 goblins is affected by the annual common goblin cold.

It's a short lived illness, lasting no longer than a a couple of days, during which the goblin besides sneezing will:

• Put on a strange red hat
• Disappear from the goblin village
• And deliver presents

The goblin is struck by a compulsive behaviour, forcing it to hand out gifts whether the receiver wants it or not. It will do this mostly during the dark hours of the day.

The presents are wrapped in:

1. Animal hide
2. Expensive (probably stolen) cloths
3. Used goblin underwear
4. Torn clothes
5. Moss
6. A stained carpet

Unfortunately for the gift receiver, the wrapped present may contain anything the sick goblin finds during his travels, most probably something it steals from any settlements it wanders upon.
In general, the gift most probably contains:

1. A wooden stick
2. Kitchen utensils
3. Goblin underwear
4. A key
5. A leather pouch containing three other things from this list
6. 1d6 coins from another country
7. A toe from a troll
8. Wine with a strange taste of cinnamon
9. A small iron box, locked. A sound can be heard from within.
10. A leather strap with runes on it
11. A bucket
12. Dirt

The condition of the content is:

1-7. Normal
8. Broken/useless
9. The inverse of its obvious usage
10. Out of this world-magical

Although most goblins don't speak the human tongue, it never hurts to say "thank you".