You will be flushed out into space

 

Clueless

 

My Secret Santicore 2014 entry: People at the bazaar!

For reasons unknown, I stumbled upon my old Secret Santicore 2014 entry - and actually, quite liked it!

And since I quite liked it, and couldn't find it here, I thought I should archive it here as well, since although the tomes of the Santicore contains multitudes of infinite wisdom, they are just exactly that; TOMES.

(And I find the font hard to read.)

The request was as follows:

Most cruel of givers, I a humble petitioner ask for a means of filling my seedy marketplace with scoundrels, villains, shifty peddlers, beggars, vagabonds, and their ilk. But not just who they are but why they are at the irreputable bazaar. The place is busy and though a person may only meet 20 people in the course of their visit, 100 people would not be unreasonable.

Thanks!

J.F.

(I never did find out who that was.)

So I naturally made a d100 table of people; roll once and read across, or roll once per column.

Of course, Blogger wasn't made for displaying tables, so I tried my best to fit it below without screwing up the AMAZING page layout (it's all just text so you should be able to just copy-paste it), you may need to scroll horizontal. But there's also a pure sheet version on Google Drive if the one below gives you trouble.

OR...just use the button below the table. It is INTERACTIVE and will DIGITALLY produce a random person for you! The mind boggles!

#	First name	Last name (1st part)	Last name (2nd part)	Business at the bazaar	Secret
1	Abgad	Knife	heart	Sells meat of unknown origin; 1 in 6 contains beneficial parasites	Been tracking the party for days
2	Ahq	Mold	ears	Sells painted pot shards as relics	Stolen identity
3	Almond	Old	daughter	Looking for ... (roll up another person)	His/her teeth are living beings; last of their kind
4	Aziri	Pocket	farer	Looking for a blood magician named ... (roll up another one)	Wanted for murder
5	Badsey	Twixt	ruse	Prizefighter; last match was against ... (roll another)	Mind reader; mute
6	Barker	Broth	brat	Wears a porcelain mask	Actually two people, one standing on the other
7	Billobi	Warring	moor	Crawls on a all four, searching for that "special" coin	Breed imps at home in his/her cellar
8	Bog	Tot	tripler	Carries a big animal cage, says s/he lost "them"	Spoils food just by touching it
9	Cag	Skar	bringer	Pickpocketing (bad at it)	Body smell is slightly toxic
10	Coo	Booth	bub	Pickpocketing (good at it)	Undead without knowing it
11	Cut	Toe	eye	Exotic fruit merchant	Can't lie (under a spell)
12	Dodger	Ash	hater	Palm reader (quack)	Can't tell the truth (under a spell)
13	Dong	Teeth	tosser	Bodyguard for ... (roll up another person)	Steals memories
14	Drutt	Prat	thrasher	Broke merchant just closing up his shop	Shrinks to pixie size during night time
15	Edma	Star	whisperer	Selling home-made maps to a newly discovered continent	Bored noble, playing "common"
16	Estra	Fear	trawler	Doomsayer (can't shut up)	Dies every full moon; reincarnated at the next
17	Eugen	Moth	mangler	Mimer (unappreciated); specializes in "death-faces"	Clothes are a parasite
18	Exo	Baby	burier	Hatter; everything's made of food	Keeps a log book at home with details about every person s/he's ever met
19	Farthington	Gob	collector	Loafer; can whistle the spell Strong Whistling	Just robbed a friend of the party
20	Father	Filth	taster	Local guard (corrupt), works in pairs (roll up another person)	Working in collusion with another merchant; steals goods to sell
21	Forlorn	Salt	mine	Fishwife	Working with the law enforcers
22	Fhf	Log	and mud	Sells love potions (1 in 6 are magically, but actual emotion is random)	Paints charms all around town; may attract pixies
23	Garga	Fart	fob	Has miniature golems (clay) for sale	Sound of voice is delayed due to excessive time travelling
24	Gloth	Piss	master	Known drunk, ignored by most	Dust collector; tries to invent a new type of golem
25	Gy	Knob	hole	Merchant of extremely tiny weapons (finger sized)	Can turn small amounts of sand into glass at will, but will lose life doing so
26	Hasten	Rot	well	Merchant of ridiculously large weapons	Wakes up every day with one prepared spell, but have no idea what it will do
27	Hog	Much	less	Trying to buy meat but cannot speak the language	Has an unhealthy affection for cats
28	Hoop	Oath	bend	Drawing symbols on the ground (manic)	Stalks ... (roll up another person)
29	Idle	Tick	blood	Sings for money (knows one song)	Has a cast iron foot (cursed by a witch ten years ago)
30	Ihmren	Palm	bleed	Looking for trouble (already got a black eye)	Actually a forgotten minor deity (forgot it him/herself)
31	Iinez	Sand	peeler	Looking for a translator; has cryptic, unreadable note found in a pot	Both hands turn into solid iron when angry; almost drowned once
32	Iridia	Marrow	son	Sells outlawed wine (or so s/he says)	Possessed by a demon; original soul lost
33	Jahaja	Hill	barrow	Lost, naked, speaks gibberish	Will start stalking party if approached
34	Jarmin	Rough	flinger	Member of Priesthood of Animals; chants by imitating animals	Levitates 1 cm above ground at all times; will die if feet touches
35	Jil	Minx	flesh	Hungover poet at it again; arms tattooed with poetry	Half-tree, half-human. Hunted. Keeps to him/herself
36	Jug	Copper	wound	Just a nobody. No teeth	Collector of shrunken human heads, still kept alive through magic
37	Kar	Dirt	widgeon	Street food; everything from the sea	All items owned/sold are cursed; something about his/her hands
38	Kendrick	Wight	craft	Street food; dogs, cats	Werehuman; turns into a different type of person at full moon
39	Koki	Troll	lord	Street food; large beetles that must be eaten alive	Fence (low-risk stuff); 1 in 4 are broken
40	Kovet	Zest	pound	Potter (not a very good one). 1 in 20 pot contains a strange note from ... (roll another)	Fence (high-risk stuff); 1 in 12 are magical; 1 in 6 are cursed
41	Lady	Kill	head	Fletcher; arrows are bent and looks more like twigs, but works anyway	Knows the way to the hidden bazaar underground
42	Laza	Bumble	fumbler	Fletcher; living arrows	His/her shadow is actually another living entity
43	Lump	Lung	bell	Sells expensive pictorial carpets; 1 in 12 is an actual dungeon map	Runs one of the many local gangs together with ... (roll up 3 more people)
44	Ly	Nose	odor	Back-of-the-hand reader; can see person's complete history	Has already stolen something minor from the party
45	Mama	Under	sung	Thimblerigger	Self-fulfilling vampire hunter; needs no real proof of person actually being a vampire
46	Maggot	Cod	wing	Portrait artist; after completing the painting, will tear it apart and shout "RUBBISH!"	Has a demon maggot infestation bubbling in his/her stomach
47	Muck	Nine	pot	Just another nobody that happens to look like your mirror image	A horn is growing from the top of his/her head (hidden under a leather cap)
48	Mildew	Fiddle	heel	Specializes in spices, lacks eyebrows	Forced to lure away children to a troll bridge just outside of town
49	Nour	Sick	pus	Crazy; acts like a stray dog; good at finding people	Gets town gossip from gargoyles
50	Nadia	Gib	fin	Boatsman; looking for a crew to sail to a newly discovered continent	Drips poison in food around the market
51	Nydd	Poor	ish	Boatsman; looking to replace his former crew that...uhm...isn't...eh..."here" anymore	The head is the only solid form on this body; rest is gas (hidden under clothes)
52	Nell	Little	letter	Gravedigger, emaciated; looking for a new shovel	Has a mechanical heart
53	Ort	Neck	rug	User of flying ointment; cats follow him/her at a distant	Can command small amounts of gravel for a short period of time
54	Ondo	Small	fry	Recruiter for Cult of the Free Flesh; looking for volunteers to sacrifice themselves	Has a treasure map tattooed on his/her body
55	Oze	Fish	drought	Hitman; offers people to hit him/her for money;	Left eyeball isn't his/hers; belongs to a witch that spies on the town
56	Pebble	Beetle	pore	Eats onions; talks about the old days and the old bazaar	Ages ten times faster than a normal human
57	Poriya	Nail	dweller	Washes hair in mud; says s/he's worth it	Pigs recognizes him/her as their true savior
58	Poppy	Sore	picker	Sells mules; looks like one, smells like one, talks like one	Astronomer; just made contact with a distant star through quartz crystals
59	Pix	Bone	caller	Tosses cabbages from a rooftop, shouting "INFIDELS!"	Heartbroken; planning the great revenge that will "show them all"
60	Qala	Rum	hoof	Town crier; mostly made-up news	Eyes and ears are detachable; used to work as a spy
61	Quinton	Gel	rib	Wears Boots of the Toddler; makes you walk like a drunk	Avatar of an avatar of an avatar of an extremely local deity (as in this street)
62	Qoo	Wet	wit	Snake charmer; plays a flute; has several bite marks in his/her face	Has the reanimated body of ... (roll another one) in his/her cellar
63	Qit	Foot	loose	Chased by ... (roll another one), claims s/he stole his/her hat	Back is covered in eyes; all but one focuses on the same thing
64	Rust	Wither	skin	Sells blessings; writes them up on the spot (two-liners that rhymes; 1 in 20 works)	Coughs copper coins
65	Razi	Maul	pine	The Herald of Unwanted Things; clothes made of trash (quite mad)	Traps people in a small handheld mirror during the full moon
66	Roulia	Herring	herder	Alchemist; can break down smaller things into salts and strange components	Worshipper of Asudem, a cult that tries to turn statues into people
67	Ruf	Iron	belly	Scryer; sells glimpses of peoples homes (1 in 12 are real)	Shadow catcher; grinds them to dust; powder can be used for reanimations
68	Sofi	Mould	pie	Scryer; sells glimpses of peoples secrets (1 in 12 are true)	Mind and body are separated each midnight for two hours as distinct entities
69	Shahab	Gar	pipe	Writer; selling his/her latest book "The Bazaar Below Us; A Child's Tale"	Runs the "Small Monster Zoo" at the hidden bazaar underground
70	Sir	Ferry	pin	Sells puff pastry that looks like snails, worms, maggots, etc.; filled	Gills; need to find water to breathe in every ten minutes
71	Scar	Sow	fey	Part of a travelling theater group (roll three more people)	Teleports five feet in random direction every time s/he farts
72	Tally	Ale	rood	Sells used capes; 1 in 12 smells of garlic	Both will perish if eye contact is made with ... (roll another one)
73	Turtle	Hem	field	Skinner; specializes in pallas's cats	Roll four more people; these five can mend into a giant once/day; this person is the only one who knows it
74	Tab	Lock	scythe	Butcher of few words; nobody seems to know what happened to the last one	King/queen on the run from tireless assassins
75	Tamaran	Thrum	mower	Will do anything for cinnamon	Can stretch arms up to three meters
76	Uma	Tall	mole	Sells intelligent crows as companions (1 in 6 isn't intelligent; 1 in 4 isn't loyal)	Produces threads of silk from his/her own body; 1 in 6 risk turns into a cocoon instead
77	Uff	Sweat	brim	Monster hunter looking for ingredients for his/her next trap	Former head of the local thieves guild; wanted by most; planning to leave town
78	Uhnfeyn	Owl	haw	Poet; shouting his/her newest piece "WHY I LOATHE ..." (roll another person)	Turns into an indestructible statue when threatened
79	Ubo	Cold	grace	Farmer, selling crops; avoids eye contact	Escaped prisoner; circle tattoo on neck s/he tries to conceal
80	Viz	Fungi	stead	Debt collector; currently looking for ... (roll three more people); will pay for aid	Has a small vial of liquid annihilation; saving it for the revolution
81	Vala	Badger	toil	Beggar; claims s/he recognizes the party; looks a bit too clean	Ventriloquist; uses it to trick people into believing they are haunted
82	Vex	Shrub	rot	Sells umbrellas made of animal skin (some works as shields)	Works together with ...; leads people away into alleys and mugs them
83	Valdibart	Rosy	ridge	Beggar; will work for food (unreliable)	Pirate captain; rest of crew are hiding in the underground bazaar
84	Wenn	At	noon	Face painter; 1 in 12 chance paint will protect as a helmet for the rest of the day	Last guardian of tiny, tiny forest world; keeps it in his/her hat
85	Winthrop	Stock	croft	Sells chickens large enough to ride on	Trying to find ... (roll another), a demon s/he summoned up and released
86	Wafa	Wall	love	Hireling; looking for work; chewing a bone	Footman of the rebellion. Waiting for a signal from ... (roll another)
87	Wheeler	Inn	house	Failed wizard selling mischievous spells (Legtripping, Hairdoundoer, Dog breath, etc.)	Cries blood, bleeds water; half-aquanoid
88	Xö	Waste	stone	Claims to be able to train anything into a war animal; sells small dogs	Has richness at the underground bazaar but forgot the way
89	Xinjiang	No	brick	Jester in exile; melancholic; torn clothes	Smuggles strange things from the underground bazaar to the surface
90	Xipe	Grey	sour	Sells clay pots that explodes on command; no eyebrows	Consumes food by absorbing its energy; two antennas folded into his/her ears
91	Xosa	Seep	cellar	Barrelmaker; shabby, bearded	Bounty hunter; looking for ... (roll another)
92	Yari	Wood	bug	Forges crude weapons from scraps (bones, hide, broken pots)	Ex-assassin; toes are actually concealed daggers that come off
93	York	Street	pugh	Sell trinkets made of fish bones/scales	Petty thief; can squeeze body into tight spaces; almost gelatinous
94	Ymn	Twine	cot	Musician; plays an instrument that seems to be almost playing itself	Ruler of his/her own plane, that's completely empty; small trinket around neck is the key
95	Yamanqa	Sty	arch	Used to work as a food taster for a far away queen	Shaman from a tiny, tiny forest world; grew out of his/her world; searching for it
96	Zan	Wee	bald	Shifts in and out of this plane at random; will pay greatly to have it stop	Bases all decisions on a roll of a die
97	Zopp	Free	ore	Claims to have been married to a bear once; lots of scar tissue; wears eye-patch; yells	Has the Devil's Dagger stuck in his/her chest; if removed, will summon 27 devils
98	Ålrick	Sea	scull	Cursed; appears as flat painting in our world	Disguised troll from the underground bazaar; a comb keeps the illusion intact
99	Älskade	Ripe	fig	Sells hallucinogenic mushrooms (1 in 30 are potent and will materialize the visions)	Has a hidden collection of ceramic cats at home; their waving paws dictates his/her life
100	Öl	Toot	hum	Sells leashes; once bought, they tether to an invisible animal	Pipe smoker; secretly smokes hair from other people to reveal their secrets (1 in 20 are true)

Gastropod die drop table

Print out the following photorealistic illustration of multiple slugs and snails for your next game. When you need a slug or a snail, just drop a die and use whatever it fell on.

(For those eco-friendly, non-printing people out there, please find a compiled table after the image for your convenience.)

 

Random gastropod encounter table to be used instead of the die drop alternative above:

1. Slug
2. Snail

Wait

 

King Dottie and his gnarly twig

King Dottie and his gnarly twig

They say that crown is really a wig

They say his kingdom is really weak

But to be fair he’s only done it for a week

King Dottie and his dirty clothes

They say the dots are flies in loads

They say his eyes are really warts

And that he only command through his farts

 

King Dottie and his seal clad castle

(building that fortress was really a hassle!)

Goblin King, Saviour, he’s all they got

Vanquisher, Invader - but always old Dot

 

 

’Ello!

 

Mountain fights back

 

Shadow mountain

 

Anagramming Monster Manual - Part D (part 2 of 2)

A M-U scars aura

A type of flumph. These translucent jellyfish may, if pulled over the head like a hood, mask one's true appearance by giving off a more intimidating appearance. Unfortunately for some, it only works for magic users, since the jellyfish feeds off the magical nature of its, ehm, wearer, although this hasn't stopped regular folks from pulling all sorts of things over their head, jellyfish or not.

Raucous stare

Any tree with flush cuts may develop this immobile monster; the cut turns into a parasitic eye, that catches passers-by and snare them with its mesmerising rings, luring them to slowly approach the parasite. When the prey is close enough, the rings in the eye starts spinning faster and faster, forming a portal that sucks in the victim, sending them to an unknown location in deepest space, where a yet to be discovered entity gobbles them up.

Sometimes, the portal even spits something out.

Carouse suit

The clothes (including armour) of a person who dies while carousing are cursed the next day; wearing any of these apparels causes nearby doors to be slammed shut (or opened violently), windows to be scratched and small objects such as fruit, cutlery or rats to levitate for a short period of time. The wearer may also suffer the occasional tripping. The reason for all this is that the heavy carousing attracted drunkard poltergeists, who sticks to the clothing during their hangover.

In thy disc

This monster will only attack vertebrates, and only striking against their back, trying to reach the spinal cord. Upon touching it, the monster is immediately transferred back to its home world, since the spinal cord of any creature acts as a portal key for these kind of monsters; they only want to get back home. The problem is, when one is teleported back home, another one is sent back, taking its place.

So old cupid

This creature, looking like a porcupine walking upright, shoots quills when it sneezes. The quills contains a strong toxin, that causes hallucinations of a more bizarre form: joy, and the eager feeling to seek out old loves.

Usual more ass

This creature used to be fuller.

A grog sour us

Found in taverns, these not-actually-monsters will eavesdrop on adventurers and interrupt them with comments as loudly as possible.

If the adventurers are about to embark on a journey, the Grog Sour Us will lower morale by telling the "younglings" about how badly prepared they are ("WADDYA MEAN 'NO TEN-FOOT POLE'?!").

If the adventurers are celebrating coming back from an adventure, the Grog Sour Us will lower morale by telling them about all the "easily brought back" treasures they neglected and where to find them ("WADDYA MEAN YOU DIDN'T SCRAPE OFF THE GOLD FROM THE PAINTING?!").

(Although annoying, adventurers should listen carefully when the Grog Sour Us tells them about neglected treasures, since that information is always true.)

Guano and I

This monster always hits you when you least expect it - from above.

Use our balsam

This stationary, treelike monster gives off a sweet scent, that mesmerizes passers-by and tricks them into coating their skin with a sap found on the bark. The sap is highly acidic and actually part of the monster's digestive system; after a few minutes, the prey is no more than a puddle of goo, which the monster happily slurps up using one of its branches.

Gaseous mural

Some murals come to life during new moons, especially those painted by lactose intolerant artists.

Uncoil moons

This evil spirit, known simply as a Braid in other parts of the world, needs at least three full moons on a cloudless sky to form. Each full moon, it takes the bright light of the full moon - e.g. the round shape itself - and uncoils it on the ground below, as one thick, long, glowing tube. If it can do this at least three times in a row, it will then braid the tubes together, which will be the evil spirits material form for the night.

The more strands ("tubes") in the final braid, the more powerful the spirit becomes.

Sumos auras

Also called stick-men, these extremely thin humanoid creatures lures their prey (humans) by mocking them in their tongue, in an attempt to pull them closer. When the prey is close enough, the creature will release its gaseous soul - a thick and heavy fog - in a violent eruption, that weighs down and suffocates their prey. The soul (fog) then returns to its stick-man like vessel, to devour their prey.

Calicoes puns

A fabric mimic, depicting crude paintings of people doing silly things. If a viewer laughs at the scene, the mimic shoots out a dart into the open mouth of the laugher, and pulls out a piece of the person's soul; one part serves as food for the mimic, and one part becomes part of the (potentially new) painting.

Pancreas to pet

This small parasite is often found in meat from magically created creatures. If ingested, it will try to get to the pancreas via the pancreatic duct, where it will remain for its lifetime. The parasite messes with the enzymes the pancreas produce; the host has now become a pet producer in a not so obvious and magical way: the host's stool grows new magical pets as soon as it, ehm, enters the world. It takes roughly a day or two for the "pet" to fully form, after which it will pursue and obey the person for as long as it lives.

(The term "pet" is misleading since there have been sightings of not only cats and dogs, but also goats and lions.)

A pout laser us

For a long time, there was a rumour going around about the fish in a certain lake, that could hunt with their eyes, shooting rays at passers-by during the night. It turned out to be not only false, but rather the weird pastime of one sorcerer that only knew the spell Continual Light; he would cast this at the fishes' eyes, for practice.

Unknown to most - and most of all, the poor sorcerer - is that while the fish can't shoot lasers with their eyes, they Continual Light treatment have somehow messed with the brains of the fish, resulting in new generations having greater and greater psionic abilities.

Sir Soul Pause

An extremely old knight that wanders the countryside. His soul was put on hold by a witch some two hundred years ago, meaning it stayed in place like a statue, while the body of the knight kept walking on. It took seventy five years to realise what the witch had done, and now he searches for her all over the world. He feels a bit empty inside.

Ant pored on

These ants aren't actually ants, but rather the very letters from old tomes brought to life through magic mishaps. They like to live in old books, trying to talk to the letters on the pages.

Gaseous rust

The flatulence of rust monsters. Just as with normal flatulence, it is best to stay clear of it.

Array scouts us

The "array" is a network of robed, small wizards - more animal than human - that once per hour stops what they are doing, and start vibrating for a short while. All members of this network do this exactly at the same time, no matter where they are. The vibrations serve two purposes: the first is for communication, and the second is for pinpointing people; they are nosy creatures. Some have used this to their advantage to gather information about people's whereabouts, since the creatures seems to be able to communicate both ways.

Aorta sutures

This evil spirit tries to enter the very veins of its prey (through open wounds), to stitch it up from the inside.

Creator pits

The pits - large, round holes in the ground, about two metres deep - are monsters that trap bards first and foremost, using illusionary spells. They lure the bards close enough so that they trip and fall into the pit, where the monster force the captured bards to come up with new sorts of horrific ways to lure new prey into the pit (e.g. turning their ideas into illusionary spells to use as bait). When a bard is too weak to produce, the monster opens its large mouth - e.g. the bottom of the pit - and swallows them whole.

Creator pits have been known to "leak" magic, e.g. some things the bards come up with, runs wild and materializes into a real thing.

Neuron rays surtax

This tax collector is a real monster when it comes to poor psionics.

Catbirds asleep

A terrible hairy creature from beyond space and time, capable of both flight and stealthy attacks, and would have no problem taking over the world - if they didn't nap 24 hours a day. It is a mystery how they exist at all.

Jidinn

Fights with illuminated swords and speaks with a tight jaw.

God

This humanoid is a real monster when it comes to constantly taking the credit for everything.

Pin hold

A spiderlike creature, the size of a cat, that hunts prey it find pretty; given the chance it will paralyse the prey, spin its web around it and then carry it back to its lair, where it will decorate the web using flowers. The pin hold-spider keeps several of these "pins" around its lair, but only for decoration since its main source of food is nectar.

El Drop Nap Egg

This flightless bird lay eggs that contains a mild toxin, that puts a normal adult to sleep for an hour or so.

Darn backlog

This horrible creature have a million different ideas on how to kill you - if it only could get its priorities straight.

Sand rag bros

These two humanoid creatures look like they've just endured several years living in a never ending desert storm - which they did, only it was ten thousand years ago. They sell magical trinkets no one understands. Their faces are covered, but rumour has it there's really nothing to cover.

Bronzed groan

These fragile statuettes are the captured voices of a very old kind of reptile, that went extinct when the emperor Jättedummis decided to not only wipe them out, but also store their horrible death wailing inside hollow bronze statuettes. The last groan of these reptiles have matured over the centuries inside these bronze vessels, concentrating their voices, so that they will kill anyone who hears it.

Mooch carat grind

A cave-dwelling creature, blind and bored, that constantly scrapes the walls with its twelve, wide nails - wide as a dough cutter - hoping to find some metals to munch on. But it won't break a sweat finding any.

Can God prep, or...?

This monster feels rushed and not very thought through, like, you know, as if a wizard spent like two minutes on it but maybe should've started earlier that night, like, he had a full two weeks notice but nooooo "I can make it up on the fly" I mean Jeeesus.

Nagger drone

This monster, the size of a small bird, imprints on a specific human being the very moment it is born (without the need to see them), and will spend its life doing two things: first, follow that human around at all cost, and secondly, keep reminding them about all the things they haven't succeeded at, and never will, as loud as possible.

Panda girl mount

What it says on the tin, but as soon as you get off she will try to make a snack out of you.

Darner dog

This fluffy, flying beast has an acidic drool but great cuddles.

Vinegar lords

These humanoid creatures uses their tears as a form of poison, to spread ill intentions. They usually cry into someone's drink, causing the drinker to become sour and questioning other's motives. All their fingers except their thumbs are small glass vials.

I, nth dowager

A type of hermit crab spirit that seeks out wealthy widows, kills them and then moves into the body and use that as a vessel. When the body has decayed too much, they leave and start looking for another widow.

No danger

This spirit falsely calms a person - or body part, depending on where it gets stuck - into thinking there's no danger (i.e. when monsters attack). Consult the following table to see how much control the possessed has, after the spirit has taken hold in a certain body part (the spirit has control from that part of the body and down, so to speak):

1. Head: person has lost all control. In immediate danger, the person will take no action, other than trying to calm his or her companions ("Hey, listen, the gnolls just want to talk, right?")
2. Arms: the person is herself and fully aware of the danger, but unable to get the rest of her body to function, since it believes there's no real danger
3. Legs: as 2, with arms working as well, but she won't be able to move freely since her legs believes there's no real danger
   

Ground rattle

These small, centipede-like bugs burrows into loose soil (or sand, preferable). They burrow together, some hundred individuals, spread out like a 1x1x1 metre cube in the ground. When they feel something moving directly above, they start spinning and vibrating, shaking the ground, hoping to trap the victim in their cube, where they will make short work of its prey in a matter of minutes.

Yr dad

This doppelgänger always looks like someone's dad. "- Hey isn't that your dad? - Oh good God, hope he doesn't see... - HEY KIDS! DID MARISSA TELL YOU ABOUT HER RASH? DID YOU TELL THEM ABOUT YOUR RASH, MARISSA? SHE NAMED IT, DIDN'T YOU, MARISSA?"

This monster is completely harmless. It mostly just bonds with the dad it mimics, hangs out for a week or two, and then moves on.

Warfd

A type of large earthworm that burrows around smaller villages, around and around, until a ditch has formed. It will then move outwards, and again, and again, until the immediate area around the village is several metres lower. The large earthworm then dies, and the soil and stones and whatnot it devoured forms a new hill.

Random tables: just switch titles

If you have a bunch of random tables (you know, "Why is this item cursed", "Why are these goblins here", "I search the body" and so on), but you want more, or you want to spice them up, or make them interested again - just randomly switch around the titles of the tables and go with that.

The World Birch

 

Ruin, or The Delegation That Went, Not The Delegation That Returned

 

Decay

 

Anagramming Monster Manual - Part D (part 1 of 2)

Go on, Mr Doge

                           wow

   many hp

             much attack

      so scare

                            such backstory

A rust fox belched jellies

A cute critter of the forest, that has the nasty habit of spitting up "jellyballs" (much like cat hairballs) once a week. These jellyballs are related to gelatinous cubes, only much smaller, and are spherical in shape. They roll around and mostly engulf beetles and ants.

Lately, they've been sold in hot and cold beverages, such as tea, and tastes horrible depending on if you're an adult or not.

Manse

A large, stationary mimic, with a fixed taste for higher level clerics.

When a cleric is caught (e.g. the door is slammed shut), it immediately starts draining the subject of all magic (i.e. memorized spells, magical items, etc.); one round for each magical thing. After that it will try to charm its prey, and release it, hoping it will go out and gather another tasty person of faith to this little cottage of horror.

Scour

A type of small, nocturnal, pale goblin, with excessively long fingers. Each scour is always looking for something specific, which is imprinted in their brains from birth, and will go through a party's belongings with great speed without a sound.

Although they leave a real mess behind, they seldom take anything since most scours don't know what it is they are looking for (or rather: they know what it looks like, but they don't understand what it is).

Us cubs, u c

Small, adorable puppies - that aren't really puppies, but rather a distraction so that their older kins may attack the party. When these not-really-cubs enters a space, you can't really take your eyes of them, and that's all you see.

Verity pock

A gelatinous blob, filled with swellings of different sizes and colours. The blob is non-hostile and will always retreat at the first sign of danger.

The swellings, if picked, will reveal a truth or a fact that is of relevance to the picker, uttered in a tongue understood by the same.

I zip you there

An evil sorcerer that casts spells by pointing randomly at your body, yells "I ZIP YOU THERE!" and lock that body part for a round or two (e.g. points at your left eye and yells "I ZIP YOU THERE!" - making you blind on that eye).

Gaze burl

A type of large eye mimic that camouflages itself on trees. It lives on secrets, which it gathers by peeking on passersby.

Ale fen hens

Drunken poultry from the region of the Very Wet Wetlands, called so after being flooded with magical alcohol during the war against lord Drunkard. The hens were not the only animal affected by this; many strange (drunk) creatures crawl up from the fens during the full moon.

(And they are not really hens.)

Mr "Ah I lit"

A bard that thinks he's all that, and then some. Not necessarily evil, only annoying, but will always attract followers more or less fanatical, who will defend the bard at all cost.

La Bro

See "Mr Ah I lit".

Hug on eye

A tiny, winged creature (sprite), that has a hunger for eyes. With its six arms (no legs), it tries to clasp the eye of its prey, and with the help of its wings, starts spinning around, as to unscrew the eyeball from its socket.

It's a nasty bugger!

Sad mouse

A rodent that spreads bad atmosphere (i.e. affecting morale and such). A single rodent only affects a small area around itself, but when they get together the effect multiplies fast.

A zeal bulb

Plant-based monster. The bulb - roughly the size of a fist - can be planted anywhere regular plants grow. It only takes a couple of minutes for the bulb to grow stems, which will form the rough shape of a monster (depending on the surrounding area and the nutrients available to the bulb). The plant-based monster then uproots itself and starts attacking the first non-plant-based person it sees.

Be drab

Failed rat catchers - pied pipers - that mistakenly tried to charm sad mice (see above), but fell victim to their bad atmosphere. Be drabs plays monotonous tunes on their pipes, contributing to the overall bad atmosphere. To an outsider it may look like the piper is conducting the sad mice, but it's actually the other way around.

Nosebleed Silver

Counterfeit silver coins, actually mimics that feed on other (real) coins (e.g. the metal). Only way to distinguish them is to stare at the coin for several minutes, which stresses the mimic, causing the person depicted on the coin to bleed from its nose.

Past dire

This monster has evolved beyond describable. It is too horrendous. Folk may have seen it, but if so, they are unable to talk about it.

Ye reins

These monsters - humanoid and dressed in fancy clothing - are able to cast a type of silvery chord around its victims necks, in order to steer them anywhere they want. The victim only feels a slight pull.

These monsters are spotted very easily, as they need to walk close behind their victims, while holding up both their hands, thus looking pretty stupid.

 

No grey

A distant relative to mantis shrimps, the size of a horse, dwells in swallow waters where they lie in wait for anything grey and dull, giving it a quick punch as they walk by with their large claws.

Despite having a nasty punch, they are actually herbivores, and the punching only seems to be for recreation. It is believed that they are the result of bored and fashionable wizard.

Mr. Anal Beech

Moving on...

A derelict grieve

Whenever someone finally moves on from hardships, troubles, or sorrows, that feeling manifests as a lost spirit. The spirit has roughly an hour to live unless it finds a fresh grave, where it can possess the newly buried body and rise at the next full moon.

Eel rum

A kind of ooze constructed from hagfish slime when magical thunderstorms wreak havoc upon the ocean. The ooze gets stuck in fishermen's net, and attack when lifted up in the boat. Their acidic touch will after a while sink the boat - and ooze with it - after which the process starts over.

Fetid pin

A large wasp that smells really bad. Getting stung by one of these transfers that bad smell for a week or so.

Anus sot aura

Moving on...

A soaks unruly

A type of jellyfish that doesn't live in water, only next to. It can assume the shape of a oversized glass jar, enough to contain a person. It lies in wait on a shore - flat and small - and when something steps on it, it quickly expands around its prey like an enormous glass jar, containing it. It then extends a hollow tentacle to the nearest body of water, and starts filling itself up, slowly soaking its prey, waiting for it to drown.

The contained water also serves as a way for the unruly soaker to digest its prey.

Daemon rust

All battles with demons - even between themselves - leave behind small specks of crimson "dust". These, if gathered in enough amounts to fill a small pouch, may summon a lesser avatar of that demon, if the "dust" is burnt during a waxing crescent moon.

The lesser avatar has the knowledge of the real demon, but none of its powers, and will answer exactly two questions before disappearing: one truthfully (to the best of its knowledge), and one not.

A auras stoup

This type of stationary monster is often found in churches or other buildings of religious worth (you won't find them in abandoned places or ruins since they need the constant flow of people). They feed off the aura of belief the worshippers radiate, especially during mass when the concentration is higher.

When enough aura has been absorbed, the water in the font (stoup) sets and turns into a translucent blob that crawls away - and starts devouring people (this blob could be considered a child of the monster).

Hopefully, the font is then refilled with water, blessed, and the whole thing starts over again.

Sly anarchic horse 

Consider it neutral evil.

Our chair as bus

Sometimes, when you're sitting a tavern and just resting your butt, the chair will slowly start moving as if it had a will on its own. If it does, it probably just is a wizard messing with you.

But if the chair storms off out the front door with you still on top of it, picking up good speed, and doesn't stop until it reaches the eastern shore - you probably had the bad luck of picking a chair infested with little buggers known as this monster. They are the size of dust, but are really good at working together, and are known to carry many times their own weight.

 

----- 

(There are SO many entries in the D-section of the AD&D Monster Manual, so I had to break it up into two parts - there are roughly forty entries left to write... God I hate dinosaurs)

Horizongazer

 

My daughter's monster: a blob

This (very early) morning me and my eight year old daughter had a little drawing session, and she made up this blob monster; image and description and all. Maybe you could use it in this dungeon? Enjoy!

Blob

Shoots thorns (green lines on top).

Thorns hitting adventurers depletes health, but if the thorn hits a fellow monster the effect varies with where it lands:

• Eyes: can see into the future
• Head: really smart, and can figure out really smart ways of defeating adventurers
• Muscle: becomes strong, so that one could lift 50 000 houses
• Stomach: becomes a ghost, gain ability to fly
• Ear: really good hearing (apprx. the distance of half a planet)
• Foot: becomes a giant

 The blob is built in layers (starting from the innermost):

• A golden heart (yellow)
  
• Lava (red)
• Ice poison (blue)
• Thin membrane of liquid poison (purple)
• Glass shards (purple)
• Grass filled with wasp tags; may paralyse (green)
• Membrane of silver ice

The north area of the blob (just below the green lines) is a wound that didn't heal all too well. Mostly lava.

The sharp thorns around (triangles) comes in two variations:

• Gold: indestructible. If you hit these, they will open up and shoot New Year's rockets that will swallow swords "and so on" (she never explained this)
• Pink: giant hogweed. If you hit these, they will open up and shoot New Year's rockets filled with "giant hogweed poison"
  

The creator of such a blob is immune to its effects. If the creator is killed, the blob will resurrect them.

Cardboard monsters

 

Burrow of the Ratman, or My Feeble Attempt At Doing A 1E Rat-Themed Adventure (part 4 of 4)

 (Part 1, part 2, part 3)

Happy new year!

So, could this be last the part in this never ending story? Or will we yet again end with a paragraph about how it was all a lie? Let's find out!

Summary of all the facts

So what cold hard facts have we gained from these eight questions and their follow up side-questions? Well, let's compile all questions and their answers in handy table first:

 

1. Why the bird statue?

The statue is a magical device for necromancy; it can be used to bring back the dead, turning them into equals (e.g. not blind followers).

 

1.1. Why does the bird statue bring back the dead?

It can only bring those back that truly felt they should have lived differently, and that they in some way even planned for it.

 

1.2. Why should they have lived differently?

Because they were meant to do remarkable things, but life (and then death) got in the way. Somehow they always knew this, but couldn't put their fingers on it; a small time burglar missing out on the really big hit; a wizard thinking about that great potion she'll never brew; a paladin not getting around to ending the world.

 

1.3. Why couldn't they put their fingers on it?

Because a being that can talk and walk but is neither man nor animal has the power to prevent such wishes.

 

2. Where is the bird statue located?

Nowhere and everywhere. Every full hour, it turns in a mist for ten minutes and travels slowly in a direction closer to its draped and hooded creator, but never reaching it.

 

2.1. Why does it travel closer to its creator?

It's longing for bygone days, when it was first created, but also revenge, since it has been abandoned by its creator.

 

2.2. Why was it abandoned by its creator?

The creator saw what the bird statue could do (e.g. bring back the dead with a caveat), but didn't want to believe it, because it wasn't the effect it sought. The statue can't be destroyed, so it had to be buried, so that its creator could find peace again.

 

2.3. Why can't the statue be destroyed?

It is a reversed soul relic, containing half its creator's heart. Being a reversed soul relic, it can't be destroyed unless its creator is destroyed first.

 

3. Where are the rats?

A church has attracted them.

 

3.1. Why has the church attracted them?

The rats are looking for more of its own kind, but found only humans at the church.

 

3.2. Why are the rats looking for more of its own kind?

They are looking for help with overturning and defeating a caped and hooded being that is neither man nor animal. If they can't find more of its own kind, they will accept help from other beings, such as humans

 

3.3. Why do the rats want to defeat this being?

Their God - a bird statue that sometimes travels as a mist - has commanded them to kill this being, in exchange for a promise that this will set off events that will bless them for all eternity, finally bringing forth the reign of the rats.

 

4. Is a vampire commanding the rats?

The bird statue is, as stated in a previous question. It did it slowly, over a long period of time, convincing one rat at a time, till they finally unearthed the statue. But since the statue can't be killed easily, and only travels in mist form, and was created through shared blood (it contains half its creator's heart), I guess we can assume the statue is some sort of vampire, much like its creator.

 

4.1. Why is the creator of the bird statue a vampire?

The creator comes from a long line of vampires, a family history hard to trace, that reaches from the dirtiest city to the coldest coastline.

 

4.2. Why is the family history hard to trace?

Because all vampires in that blood line are made by three different vampiric spirits; one of the past, one of the present, and one of the future. Three bites during the same night. But the bird statue's creator is the last one to be made this way.

 

4.3. Why is the bird statue's creator the last one to be made that way?

Because with each new vampire to be made, the window of past, present and future vampires shifts further along the time line, and after the bird statue's creator was made, the time window shifted beyond the end of the world; the point in time from which to draw the future vampiric spirit had ceased to exist, so three bites were no longer possible.

 

5. Where is this place located?

Since this "series" is called "Burrow of the Ratman", I assume the place we're looking for is the burrow itself, and it is located underneath a busy stock exchange in a big city. But it's not the place of the creator, but rather the place where he/she/it/they buried the bird statue (as stated in question 2.2.), so I guess this means that the "Ratman" in the title refers to the bird statue?

 

5.1. Why was the bird statue buried below a stock exchange?

The stock exchange building was once the home of the vampires of this bloodline, so the bird statue's creator had access to the vaults below (e.g. not belonging to the everyday business of the stock exchange). It could mean that the creator buried the statue a long time ago - before the stock exchange was founded - or that they could somehow walk freely and undisturbed in the building.

 

5.2. Why are the vaults not part of the everyday business of the stock exchange?

It is an archive, where all records of the stock exchange is kept. The few people working there are called Miners. The archive is in fact partially part of the vampire's old archive, so there are multiple tomes kept there that hasn't anything to do with stock exchange, locked away and/or hidden from plain sight - or just not interesting enough to be messed with.

 

5.3. Why are some of the tomes not interesting enough for the Miners?

What little information they might have seen through the years is just regarded as horribly outdated. It even happens that some of the not-so-locked-away tomes have been used as fireplace fuel during really cold days.

 

6. Is this place old?

Nobody wants to talk about it, it seems, because whenever the issue comes up, everyone involved will change the subject to something more pleasant.

 

6.1. Why doesn't anyone want to talk about how old the stock exchange building is?

Because there's an old rumour going around, that anyone making such inquiries will be sent far away, to an unnamed place not meant for men. "Bob Cratchit" has become a code word for when you want to warn someone of speaking further of something, lest they suffer some ill fate.

 

6.2. Why has "Bob Cratchit" become a code word?

Bob Cratchit was a woodworker that lived just outside town some hundred years ago. He lured away people to his cabin in the woods and made short work of them with his axe. After his death, people started using phrases such as "Be nice, or I'll send you to Bob Cratchit!".

 

6.3. Why did Bob Cratchit lure away people?

Bob was making human sacrifices to a wooden idol he had carved himself. It had told him that when enough sacrifices were made, a miracle would happen.

 

7. Why hasn't this place been plundered years before?

It was believed to be haunted by strange apparatus, phantom in nature.

 

7.1. Why was it believed to be haunted by strange apparatus?

Robed and hooded folk - like the bird statue creator - had been seen entering and leaving the place for as long as anyone could remember, which led most to believe that a wizard did something to the place, like installing magical traps or steam-powered mechanical beasts.

 

7.2. Why would a wizard install traps or steam-powered mechanical beasts?

Because it is what occupies all wizards' minds: concocting potions, snaring demons, building man-machines - but not being able to dress themselves properly.

 

7.3. Why can't wizards dress themselves?

They are always thinking about the next step, always on the run, always out on an errand - which means they have to take some shortcuts when dealing with mundane things; like clothes.

 

8. Where have the previous owner(s) gone?

Nobody knows - but more importantly, nobody cares!

 

8.1. Why doesn't anyone care about their whereabouts?

People are busy as it is, and they don't care about their whereabouts since they don't fathom that anything could've happened to them - because, why would anything happen to them.

 

8.2. Why are people busy as it is?

The townsfolk have much on their minds: haunted stock exchange building, stories of Bob Cratchit (or his ghost!), rat swarms at the church, a strange mist that seems to travel every full hour... Also: the town mayor is rumoured to be a ghost, probably because he is so pale.

 

8.3. Why is the town mayor so pale?

Because the town mayor is indeed dead, and halfway in transit to becoming a ghost. Nobody knows this, not even himself. His death has nothing to do with the bird statue, the rats, the creator, the stock exchange, or Bob Cratchit though.

 

Summary of all the facts in a more prosaic way

There's a large town, nameless but it probably rhymes with "London".

The mayor of this nameless town is paler than death itself, due to being in fact dead but somehow still alive, but he doesn't know this.

Outside that nameless town lies an old, abandoned cabin, rumoured to belong to a woodworker named Bob Cratchit, who lured people away and chopped them up, as human sacrifices for his wooden idol. There's a crude and small wood sculpture to be found in the cabin; whether or not this is the idol is disputed.

"Bob Cratchit" is a local code word for bad omens, or to threaten people with ("Watch your tongue, or I'll send you to Bob Cratchit!").

In the centre of the nameless town, there's a large stock exchange building. It is very old, but no living soul wishes to discuss it. It houses a large vault, housing countless records of trading and other activities. It also contains tomes and records from older times, from the family that owned the building before it was taken over; some of these books have been used as fuel, some have been read but found dull and not relevant, and some are still hidden and/or locked away.

The few people working in the vaults of the stock exchange building are called Miners.

The stock exchange building used to belong to an old family of vampires. To become such a vampire, a person must be visited by three vampires of this bloodline - one from the past, one from the present, and one from the far future - all during the same night. Due to the world being destroyed at a fixed point in time in the future, it is not possible any more to have a visit from a future vampire, since that point in time has ceased to exist.

There's a being, not man nor animal, that is the last of that vampiric bloodline. The being created a magical device of necromantic powers, and put half its heart inside to active it. This being sometimes goes by the name of the Creator.

The bird statue can be used to bring back the dead, but only those that truly believed that they were meant to live a different life. This statue can travel in mist form, but only every full hour, and then only for ten minutes. It will always travel in the bearing of the Creator. It is a reversed soul relic so it can't be destroyed unless the Creator is first. It also goes by the name of the Ratman.

The bird statue was buried in vaults below the stock exchange building by the Creator, reason being the Creator expected some other kind of effect.

The rats in the vaults were persuaded by the bird statue - one by one - to unearth it (it couldn't travel as a mist when buried), and also to help it destroy the Creator as a revenge. The rats, having started to treating the bird statue as a god, were promised various glorious things.

The rats, after being told a bit of this Creator, realised they needed more help if they were to take down this not-man-not-animal being, so they started to round up all rats they could find. Even those of the human kind (the enemy of my enemy, and so on).

The local churches seem to attract a lot of rats, but the rats aren't hostile, even if being trapped and killed. It's almost as if they want to convey a message.

Retrospective, or How far off did we drift really?

"Ouf...!"

I'm not going to recap the original contest rules (of JB's contest), because when looking at the above it is pretty easy to realise one thing: there's a lot of flavour there, and it gets me interested - but it is in no way something you can bring to a table.

And I believe scope is one issue here: it's too scattered, even if it's all interconnected somehow (the statue, the creator, the stock exchange, the rats, and so on); I guess it feels more like a fine dining restaurant, with candlesticks and long curtains and comfy chairs and fancy forks and paintings and rugs and world renowned kitchen - when what your players is really interested in is just that single olive on the floor.

(TODO: write better analogies)

It needs to be more focused, one single thing at a time.

However - however! - I feel you could extract multiple, isolated "things" (i.e. shorter adventures) from the above, that are still connected underneath it all - without the players knowing about the above (because they don't NEED to know that, it's just extra flavour, just like you don't need to know that the olive on the floor actually is there because the great great grandfather of the fine dining restaurant thought it kept bad spirits from possessing the guests - you could still enjoy that olive, but hearing the story while eating an olive could've made it a more rememberable evening).

(TODO: write better analogies that don't revolve around eating stuff off the floor)

Examples of isolated adventures one could extract from the above:

• The old cabin
• Classic horror adventure
• Could be fit on a single page (one page "dungeon"); three rooms with attic
  
• What happens if a player takes the idol? Destroys it?
• Maybe Bob Cratchit had children (well we know the other Bob had, but this is "our" Bob), are they still coming to the cabin?
• The vaults beneath the stock exchange
• Dungeon crawl?
• If a player takes up job as a Miner, they have unlimited access to this place
• Treasures in terms of tomes, as left behind by the old vampires (potentially)
• Is the information still relevant for extortion?
• Do they point out other vaults in the town?
• The rats in the churches
• Again, each church is a single page (one page "dungeon")
• "Rat problem" is a classic D&D trope, problem here is (as we know) that the rats doesn't fight back, so it depends on how observant the players are
• I mean, they could just take a job to clear one church, do the job, get paid and move on - but next week, the rats will be back

And random encounters would/could include:

• The (dead) mayor
• Who started that rumour? And why did it turn out to be true?
• The Creator
• Is he/she/it/they still in town? What is it doing there?
• Does it know about the unearthed bird statue?
• Bob Cratchit
• Maybe! Or maybe an imposter?

 

I think you need to end this now

Yes I know, sorry, but it was a very fun "series" to work on, I didn't expect it to really go on for this long.

Did we succeed in writing a rat-themed adventure? No.

Did we succeed in writing an adventure at all? No.

Did we at least write something that mentions rats? Yes!

In that case, I'm happy!

Thanks for reading!

(TODO: end post with slightly less creepy picture)