May 6, 2024

Walking trumpet pitcher


 

%  IN LAIR: 0

ATK: 4d4 ACID GURGLE SPIT

FAVOURITE FREQUENCIES: 879/438/217/106 Hz




Jan 22, 2024

Summon something from there

The spell "Summon something from there" lets the spellcaster summon up an entity by pointing with her index finger at something, while uttering the spell's name.

A thin ray, magenta in colour, shoots out from the finger, tracing a perfectly straight line from the finger to whatever it hits first, and what it hits, is what the summoned entity will be entirely based on.

All the pointy-hat attendees at the Great Sorcerous World Faire of the year 148 thought this new spell was the most exciting thing ever, so much in fact that they named it and its inventor Caster and Spell of the Year (it had been a rather bland and dull year, to be honest). All the faire participants clapped their hands and smiled with their wine-soaked lips and teeth, and agreed that this truly was very exciting times to be alive, Gods bless us, everybody!

However, real wizards and sorcerers, i.e. grumpy bastards living in towers as crooked as themselves, pointed out two crucial facts:

  1. The caster doesn't know which index finger will be used by the ray; thus was the Boot Imp born
  2. The entity is merely based on the object the ray hits; e.g. the caster wanted a iron demon but got a fork variety instead

So, after some heated discussions, most real wizards started calling users of the spell for Can't-Be-Arsed-Wizards since they didn't seem to care about what they were actually summoning, and moved on with their lives (that is, locked the front door and continued being grumpy in solitude).

That said, it still was a fairly popular spell for a couple of years, until it reached a turning point in the year 173 when the (up to that point) great wizard Salphourza the Askewed had promised her king that no army was needed to fight off the invading forces that were approaching the castle; the great wizard and her trusty finger would save the kingdom! She bravely walked out on her own to meet the invaders on the field outside the castle, and with a firm voice she cried out: "YOU'VE TRAVELLED FAR, BAZGHUR THE BALD, BUT HERE YOUR JOURNEY ENDS. TURN BACK, OR FACE THE UNBELIEVABLE COSMIC HORROR FROM THE FARTHEST AND COLDEST REACHES OF THE DARK AND DEAD STARS!"

She then pointed her index finger in an overly dramatic posture straight up into the sky, uttered the spell name as loud as she could, and watched the magenta ray shoot out from her finger in a straight line into the sky; further...and further...and further...and further... The ray seemed to never end.

After a while Bazghur the Bald and his invading army grew tired of waiting, so they just rode past the wizard and took the city quite easily, leaving the poor wizard seemingly stuck in place, because that was the third crucial fact about the spell that real wizards had discovered; the caster can't move as long as the ray is out.


Jan 5, 2024

Chaindude and the happiest AI-CANISTER in the world

 


What is the CHAINDUDE listening to?

Why is the AI-CANISTER so happy?

Is it real or artificial happiness?

What is it looking at?

What does it contain?

Are those tattoos or static interference on his arms?

Is he, in fact, being electrocuted at this very moment?

Is it a chain or a cord?

Is he, in fact, actually a bass player looking for an amplifier?

Is he sweaty or just badly shaded?

Stay tuned* to find out!








(* I won't repeat the footnote joke, you'll just have to go look for it yourself)

Jan 4, 2024

This bird's up to no good

 

 

Or is it just making breakfast?

Or maybe it is totally unaware of the egg behind it?

Is it even an egg?

Are those bird legs or pants?

Is it even a bird?

And what are those magical swirls?

Are they even swirls?

Or are they twirls?

Stay* tuned!





(* You don't actually have to stay tuned, because there's no continuation planned for this)

Nov 29, 2023

Knock! #4 Kickstarter is live, and I got some stuff in it

The Kickstarter for Knock! issue four is now live, and I got some stuff in it! 212 pages of gaming articles, tables, and whatnots.

I've only heard good stuff about the previous issues, so here's hoping I won't ruin anything!


If you pledge on the "Ecstatic Mushperson" level, you too will be able to stack your copies like above!


Nov 7, 2023

Anagramming Monster Manual - Part E

Age gelatin

A type of slime that when touched, ages only that part 1d6 years per round exposed. This includes all types of materials, e.g. not only organic matters. A simple splash of water is all that takes to remove the slime.

If ingested, the subject will age overall (i.e. every part of the body, as one normally does), but will also keep doing so at the same rate until they die of old age (unless they can cancel it out, or gain immortality and thus keep ageing but still be kept alive: the lich Richard of Bärfis is an example of that; he's a couple of thousand years old and can't really move, and looks more like a raisin that a man, but is happier than ever).

Age gelatin is extracted from the marrows of Time Swines, but can also be found in Time Limes for those preferring plant based magic.


A reek seer

These one-eyed humanoids predicts the future for small amounts of washnuts as only payment.

There are two types of reek seers, but what they have in common is that they're always wrong in their predictions.

The first type is always extremely, off the charts wrong (their prediction "reeks"): ask them if it will rain tomorrow, and they will tell you that a great sea serpent will erupt from the ground and spew forth an ocean with sharks and starfish and then another ocean will hear about this new ocean and come over and it will be two oceans and more sharks and then a rain cloud will come over as well and maybe a shark cloud and it will rain sharks and...and...and...

The second type is also always wrong in their predictions, only in a more realistic way: ask them if it will rain tomorrow, and they will tell you they don't know, end of discussion, go home, good bye. They smell like Danish cheese.


Lee

A sorcerer that is dependent on the wind to guide their spells; e.g. when they cast a bolt of fire, it will only travel the way the wind blows.


Tee ref

A type of oracle that only talks in tautologies.


Anal eel timer

Whatever it is, you should probably have it checked out in time.


Helena rattle me

A humanoid sloth, big as an elephant. It lacks eyes but uses a large bone rattle to navigate its surroundings; it takes two steps and then stops to rattle three times, fully focused on how the sound travels. It then follows the path that sounded the most promising in terms of food.

It also utilizes the large bone rattle as a club when hunting.


Wee nettle alarm

This plant looks like a ordinary nettle, but will not cause pain if brushed against. Instead, the toxin lies dormant until the subject is close to danger (as sensed by the toxin from the subject's heartbeat, among other things), at which time it triggers a reaction that causes the subject to scream (though not in pain).

The toxin lies dormant up till one hour.


Petal hen

This monster looks like a ring of the most beautiful poultry you've ever seen; vivid colours, posh feathers, round and healthy. They're all facing outwards from the ring, wings raised high in the air, clucking melodically; as it draws closer and closer, it's hard not to be mesmerized by the slow spinning dance.

And then, when they are right next to you, the false poultry lower their wings at the same time, exposing a round, gaping void of teeth and eyes, hoping to trip you over and swallow you whole.


Facet quail

These little birds suffers from low poly count, or dare I say, low Polly count.


Word

These pale, paper-thin monsters are actually non-hostile at first. They float through the air, curious, until they suddenly pick out one subject at random, after which they will follow it curiously. As this subject speaks, the entity transcribe these words onto themselves, until they're entirely filled with words.

At this point, they turn extremely hostile, moving words around to form new meanings, as if they want to misinterpret. Soon, the words will fly off their body as projectiles, targeting only the subject; the longer the sentence, the more damage it does.

When all words have left the monster, it goes back to its non-hostile routine, floating about, looking for a new subject.


Rage fly

These small insects are really upset. They will hover next to your ear and tell you how much they bloody hate you, this place, and all other beings, and that their food taste like shite, and so on.

Most people and animals never notice these flies. The only other being that can understand these flies are beetles, but they pretend not to.


Hell ffa

Small, round beans. Nutritious and edible if cooked, but hell will break loose in your stomach since a tiny replica of one layer of the abyss - or a mere slice of one - will materialize inside your guts for the next eight hours.

Roll 1d666 to determine which one.


Fowl ode

A wind spirit, invisible to the eye. It attracts birds by flowing itself through hollow trees and other narrow spaces at high speeds, thereby producing sounds of various pitch and scale. When a flock of birds large enough to satisfy its hunger is following its trail, it quickly wraps itself around the flock, and materialize as a lightning cloud for a split second, under which it discharge one powerful intracloud lightning.

It will then materialize as a thick shrubbery, which will fall (along with the dead birds inside) to the ground, where the fowl ode will slowly digest the birds over a course of one week, after which it will return to its wind shape.

 

Ten it

These goblinoid creatures are very much like any other goblin, with one very strange exception: with their final breath, they always point at something at random and utter something gibberish, which will multiply whatever they pointed at ten times.

Since this also includes living beings, one theory is that this is how Ten it-goblins reproduce.


A fey gone lit

Small, winged beings. Their fly patterns are highly irregular and mellow. They smell like the worst part of a bonfire, and they will talk your ears off - literally - which they will collect and turn into small beds.


Yo he feet peed

This monster is actually more afraid of you than the other way around.