Nov 29, 2023

Knock! #4 Kickstarter is live, and I got some stuff in it

The Kickstarter for Knock! issue four is now live, and I got some stuff in it! 212 pages of gaming articles, tables, and whatnots.

I've only heard good stuff about the previous issues, so here's hoping I won't ruin anything!

If you pledge on the "Ecstatic Mushperson" level, you too will be able to stack your copies like above!

Nov 7, 2023

Anagramming Monster Manual - Part E

Age gelatin

A type of slime that when touched, ages only that part 1d6 years per round exposed. This includes all types of materials, e.g. not only organic matters. A simple splash of water is all that takes to remove the slime.

If ingested, the subject will age overall (i.e. every part of the body, as one normally does), but will also keep doing so at the same rate until they die of old age (unless they can cancel it out, or gain immortality and thus keep ageing but still be kept alive: the lich Richard of Bärfis is an example of that; he's a couple of thousand years old and can't really move, and looks more like a raisin that a man, but is happier than ever).

Age gelatin is extracted from the marrows of Time Swines, but can also be found in Time Limes for those preferring plant based magic.

A reek seer

These one-eyed humanoids predicts the future for small amounts of washnuts as only payment.

There are two types of reek seers, but what they have in common is that they're always wrong in their predictions.

The first type is always extremely, off the charts wrong (their prediction "reeks"): ask them if it will rain tomorrow, and they will tell you that a great sea serpent will erupt from the ground and spew forth an ocean with sharks and starfish and then another ocean will hear about this new ocean and come over and it will be two oceans and more sharks and then a rain cloud will come over as well and maybe a shark cloud and it will rain sharks and...and...and...

The second type is also always wrong in their predictions, only in a more realistic way: ask them if it will rain tomorrow, and they will tell you they don't know, end of discussion, go home, good bye. They smell like Danish cheese.


A sorcerer that is dependent on the wind to guide their spells; e.g. when they cast a bolt of fire, it will only travel the way the wind blows.

Tee ref

A type of oracle that only talks in tautologies.

Anal eel timer

Whatever it is, you should probably have it checked out in time.

Helena rattle me

A humanoid sloth, big as an elephant. It lacks eyes but uses a large bone rattle to navigate its surroundings; it takes two steps and then stops to rattle three times, fully focused on how the sound travels. It then follows the path that sounded the most promising in terms of food.

It also utilizes the large bone rattle as a club when hunting.

Wee nettle alarm

This plant looks like a ordinary nettle, but will not cause pain if brushed against. Instead, the toxin lies dormant until the subject is close to danger (as sensed by the toxin from the subject's heartbeat, among other things), at which time it triggers a reaction that causes the subject to scream (though not in pain).

The toxin lies dormant up till one hour.

Petal hen

This monster looks like a ring of the most beautiful poultry you've ever seen; vivid colours, posh feathers, round and healthy. They're all facing outwards from the ring, wings raised high in the air, clucking melodically; as it draws closer and closer, it's hard not to be mesmerized by the slow spinning dance.

And then, when they are right next to you, the false poultry lower their wings at the same time, exposing a round, gaping void of teeth and eyes, hoping to trip you over and swallow you whole.

Facet quail

These little birds suffers from low poly count, or dare I say, low Polly count.


These pale, paper-thin monsters are actually non-hostile at first. They float through the air, curious, until they suddenly pick out one subject at random, after which they will follow it curiously. As this subject speaks, the entity transcribe these words onto themselves, until they're entirely filled with words.

At this point, they turn extremely hostile, moving words around to form new meanings, as if they want to misinterpret. Soon, the words will fly off their body as projectiles, targeting only the subject; the longer the sentence, the more damage it does.

When all words have left the monster, it goes back to its non-hostile routine, floating about, looking for a new subject.

Rage fly

These small insects are really upset. They will hover next to your ear and tell you how much they bloody hate you, this place, and all other beings, and that their food taste like shite, and so on.

Most people and animals never notice these flies. The only other being that can understand these flies are beetles, but they pretend not to.

Hell ffa

Small, round beans. Nutritious and edible if cooked, but hell will break loose in your stomach since a tiny replica of one layer of the abyss - or a mere slice of one - will materialize inside your guts for the next eight hours.

Roll 1d666 to determine which one.

Fowl ode

A wind spirit, invisible to the eye. It attracts birds by flowing itself through hollow trees and other narrow spaces at high speeds, thereby producing sounds of various pitch and scale. When a flock of birds large enough to satisfy its hunger is following its trail, it quickly wraps itself around the flock, and materialize as a lightning cloud for a split second, under which it discharge one powerful intracloud lightning.

It will then materialize as a thick shrubbery, which will fall (along with the dead birds inside) to the ground, where the fowl ode will slowly digest the birds over a course of one week, after which it will return to its wind shape.


Ten it

These goblinoid creatures are very much like any other goblin, with one very strange exception: with their final breath, they always point at something at random and utter something gibberish, which will multiply whatever they pointed at ten times.

Since this also includes living beings, one theory is that this is how Ten it-goblins reproduce.

A fey gone lit

Small, winged beings. Their fly patterns are highly irregular and mellow. They smell like the worst part of a bonfire, and they will talk your ears off - literally - which they will collect and turn into small beds.

Yo he feet peed

This monster is actually more afraid of you than the other way around.

Aug 8, 2023

My Secret Santicore 2014 entry: People at the bazaar!

For reasons unknown, I stumbled upon my old Secret Santicore 2014 entry - and actually, quite liked it!

And since I quite liked it, and couldn't find it here, I thought I should archive it here as well, since although the tomes of the Santicore contains multitudes of infinite wisdom, they are just exactly that; TOMES.

(And I find the font hard to read.)

The request was as follows:

Most cruel of givers, I a humble petitioner ask for a means of filling my seedy marketplace with scoundrels, villains, shifty peddlers, beggars, vagabonds, and their ilk. But not just who they are but why they are at the irreputable bazaar. The place is busy and though a person may only meet 20 people in the course of their visit, 100 people would not be unreasonable.



(I never did find out who that was.)

So I naturally made a d100 table of people; roll once and read across, or roll once per column.

Of course, Blogger wasn't made for displaying tables, so I tried my best to fit it below without screwing up the AMAZING page layout (it's all just text so you should be able to just copy-paste it), you may need to scroll horizontal. But there's also a pure sheet version on Google Drive if the one below gives you trouble.

OR...just use the button below the table. It is INTERACTIVE and will DIGITALLY produce a random person for you! The mind boggles!

#First nameLast name (1st part)Last name (2nd part)Business at the bazaarSecret
1AbgadKnifeheartSells meat of unknown origin; 1 in 6 contains beneficial parasitesBeen tracking the party for days
2AhqMoldearsSells painted pot shards as relicsStolen identity
3AlmondOlddaughterLooking for ... (roll up another person)His/her teeth are living beings; last of their kind
4AziriPocketfarerLooking for a blood magician named ... (roll up another one)Wanted for murder
5BadseyTwixtrusePrizefighter; last match was against ... (roll another)Mind reader; mute
6BarkerBrothbratWears a porcelain maskActually two people, one standing on the other
7BillobiWarringmoorCrawls on a all four, searching for that "special" coinBreed imps at home in his/her cellar
8BogTottriplerCarries a big animal cage, says s/he lost "them"Spoils food just by touching it
9CagSkarbringerPickpocketing (bad at it)Body smell is slightly toxic
10CooBoothbubPickpocketing (good at it)Undead without knowing it
11CutToeeyeExotic fruit merchantCan't lie (under a spell)
12DodgerAshhaterPalm reader (quack)Can't tell the truth (under a spell)
13DongTeethtosserBodyguard for ... (roll up another person)Steals memories
14DruttPratthrasherBroke merchant just closing up his shopShrinks to pixie size during night time
15EdmaStarwhispererSelling home-made maps to a newly discovered continentBored noble, playing "common"
16EstraFeartrawlerDoomsayer (can't shut up)Dies every full moon; reincarnated at the next
17EugenMothmanglerMimer (unappreciated); specializes in "death-faces"Clothes are a parasite
18ExoBabyburierHatter; everything's made of foodKeeps a log book at home with details about every person s/he's ever met
19FarthingtonGobcollectorLoafer; can whistle the spell Strong WhistlingJust robbed a friend of the party
20FatherFilthtasterLocal guard (corrupt), works in pairs (roll up another person)Working in collusion with another merchant; steals goods to sell
21ForlornSaltmineFishwifeWorking with the law enforcers
22FhfLogand mudSells love potions (1 in 6 are magically, but actual emotion is random)Paints charms all around town; may attract pixies
23GargaFartfobHas miniature golems (clay) for saleSound of voice is delayed due to excessive time travelling
24GlothPissmasterKnown drunk, ignored by mostDust collector; tries to invent a new type of golem
25GyKnobholeMerchant of extremely tiny weapons (finger sized)Can turn small amounts of sand into glass at will, but will lose life doing so
26HastenRotwellMerchant of ridiculously large weaponsWakes up every day with one prepared spell, but have no idea what it will do
27HogMuchlessTrying to buy meat but cannot speak the languageHas an unhealthy affection for cats
28HoopOathbendDrawing symbols on the ground (manic)Stalks ... (roll up another person)
29IdleTickbloodSings for money (knows one song)Has a cast iron foot (cursed by a witch ten years ago)
30IhmrenPalmbleedLooking for trouble (already got a black eye)Actually a forgotten minor deity (forgot it him/herself)
31IinezSandpeelerLooking for a translator; has cryptic, unreadable note found in a potBoth hands turn into solid iron when angry; almost drowned once
32IridiaMarrowsonSells outlawed wine (or so s/he says)Possessed by a demon; original soul lost
33JahajaHillbarrowLost, naked, speaks gibberishWill start stalking party if approached
34JarminRoughflingerMember of Priesthood of Animals; chants by imitating animalsLevitates 1 cm above ground at all times; will die if feet touches
35JilMinxfleshHungover poet at it again; arms tattooed with poetryHalf-tree, half-human. Hunted. Keeps to him/herself
36JugCopperwoundJust a nobody. No teethCollector of shrunken human heads, still kept alive through magic
37KarDirtwidgeonStreet food; everything from the seaAll items owned/sold are cursed; something about his/her hands
38KendrickWightcraftStreet food; dogs, catsWerehuman; turns into a different type of person at full moon
39KokiTrolllordStreet food; large beetles that must be eaten aliveFence (low-risk stuff); 1 in 4 are broken
40KovetZestpoundPotter (not a very good one). 1 in 20 pot contains a strange note from ... (roll another)Fence (high-risk stuff); 1 in 12 are magical; 1 in 6 are cursed
41LadyKillheadFletcher; arrows are bent and looks more like twigs, but works anywayKnows the way to the hidden bazaar underground
42LazaBumblefumblerFletcher; living arrowsHis/her shadow is actually another living entity
43LumpLungbellSells expensive pictorial carpets; 1 in 12 is an actual dungeon mapRuns one of the many local gangs together with ... (roll up 3 more people)
44LyNoseodorBack-of-the-hand reader; can see person's complete historyHas already stolen something minor from the party
45MamaUndersungThimbleriggerSelf-fulfilling vampire hunter; needs no real proof of person actually being a vampire
46MaggotCodwingPortrait artist; after completing the painting, will tear it apart and shout "RUBBISH!"Has a demon maggot infestation bubbling in his/her stomach
47MuckNinepotJust another nobody that happens to look like your mirror imageA horn is growing from the top of his/her head (hidden under a leather cap)
48MildewFiddleheelSpecializes in spices, lacks eyebrowsForced to lure away children to a troll bridge just outside of town
49NourSickpusCrazy; acts like a stray dog; good at finding peopleGets town gossip from gargoyles
50NadiaGibfinBoatsman; looking for a crew to sail to a newly discovered continentDrips poison in food around the market
51NyddPoorishBoatsman; looking to replace his former crew that...uhm...isn'"here" anymoreThe head is the only solid form on this body; rest is gas (hidden under clothes)
52NellLittleletterGravedigger, emaciated; looking for a new shovelHas a mechanical heart
53OrtNeckrugUser of flying ointment; cats follow him/her at a distantCan command small amounts of gravel for a short period of time
54OndoSmallfryRecruiter for Cult of the Free Flesh; looking for volunteers to sacrifice themselvesHas a treasure map tattooed on his/her body
55OzeFishdroughtHitman; offers people to hit him/her for money; Left eyeball isn't his/hers; belongs to a witch that spies on the town
56PebbleBeetleporeEats onions; talks about the old days and the old bazaarAges ten times faster than a normal human
57PoriyaNaildwellerWashes hair in mud; says s/he's worth itPigs recognizes him/her as their true savior
58PoppySorepickerSells mules; looks like one, smells like one, talks like oneAstronomer; just made contact with a distant star through quartz crystals
59PixBonecallerTosses cabbages from a rooftop, shouting "INFIDELS!"Heartbroken; planning the great revenge that will "show them all"
60QalaRumhoofTown crier; mostly made-up newsEyes and ears are detachable; used to work as a spy
61QuintonGelribWears Boots of the Toddler; makes you walk like a drunkAvatar of an avatar of an avatar of an extremely local deity (as in this street)
62QooWetwitSnake charmer; plays a flute; has several bite marks in his/her faceHas the reanimated body of ... (roll another one) in his/her cellar
63QitFootlooseChased by ... (roll another one), claims s/he stole his/her hatBack is covered in eyes; all but one focuses on the same thing
64RustWitherskinSells blessings; writes them up on the spot (two-liners that rhymes; 1 in 20 works)Coughs copper coins
65RaziMaulpineThe Herald of Unwanted Things; clothes made of trash (quite mad)Traps people in a small handheld mirror during the full moon
66RouliaHerringherderAlchemist; can break down smaller things into salts and strange componentsWorshipper of Asudem, a cult that tries to turn statues into people
67RufIronbellyScryer; sells glimpses of peoples homes (1 in 12 are real)Shadow catcher; grinds them to dust; powder can be used for reanimations
68SofiMouldpieScryer; sells glimpses of peoples secrets (1 in 12 are true)Mind and body are separated each midnight for two hours as distinct entities
69ShahabGarpipeWriter; selling his/her latest book "The Bazaar Below Us; A Child's Tale"Runs the "Small Monster Zoo" at the hidden bazaar underground
70SirFerrypinSells puff pastry that looks like snails, worms, maggots, etc.; filledGills; need to find water to breathe in every ten minutes
71ScarSowfeyPart of a travelling theater group (roll three more people)Teleports five feet in random direction every time s/he farts
72TallyAleroodSells used capes; 1 in 12 smells of garlicBoth will perish if eye contact is made with ... (roll another one)
73TurtleHemfieldSkinner; specializes in pallas's catsRoll four more people; these five can mend into a giant once/day; this person is the only one who knows it
74TabLockscytheButcher of few words; nobody seems to know what happened to the last oneKing/queen on the run from tireless assassins
75TamaranThrummowerWill do anything for cinnamonCan stretch arms up to three meters
76UmaTallmoleSells intelligent crows as companions (1 in 6 isn't intelligent; 1 in 4 isn't loyal)Produces threads of silk from his/her own body; 1 in 6 risk turns into a cocoon instead
77UffSweatbrimMonster hunter looking for ingredients for his/her next trapFormer head of the local thieves guild; wanted by most; planning to leave town
78UhnfeynOwlhawPoet; shouting his/her newest piece "WHY I LOATHE ..." (roll another person)Turns into an indestructible statue when threatened
79UboColdgraceFarmer, selling crops; avoids eye contactEscaped prisoner; circle tattoo on neck s/he tries to conceal
80VizFungisteadDebt collector; currently looking for ... (roll three more people); will pay for aidHas a small vial of liquid annihilation; saving it for the revolution
81ValaBadgertoilBeggar; claims s/he recognizes the party; looks a bit too cleanVentriloquist; uses it to trick people into believing they are haunted
82VexShrubrotSells umbrellas made of animal skin (some works as shields)Works together with ...; leads people away into alleys and mugs them
83ValdibartRosyridgeBeggar; will work for food (unreliable)Pirate captain; rest of crew are hiding in the underground bazaar
84WennAtnoonFace painter; 1 in 12 chance paint will protect as a helmet for the rest of the dayLast guardian of tiny, tiny forest world; keeps it in his/her hat
85WinthropStockcroftSells chickens large enough to ride onTrying to find ... (roll another), a demon s/he summoned up and released
86WafaWallloveHireling; looking for work; chewing a boneFootman of the rebellion. Waiting for a signal from ... (roll another)
87WheelerInnhouseFailed wizard selling mischievous spells (Legtripping, Hairdoundoer, Dog breath, etc.)Cries blood, bleeds water; half-aquanoid
88WastestoneClaims to be able to train anything into a war animal; sells small dogsHas richness at the underground bazaar but forgot the way
89XinjiangNobrickJester in exile; melancholic; torn clothesSmuggles strange things from the underground bazaar to the surface
90XipeGreysourSells clay pots that explodes on command; no eyebrowsConsumes food by absorbing its energy; two antennas folded into his/her ears
91XosaSeepcellarBarrelmaker; shabby, beardedBounty hunter; looking for ... (roll another)
92YariWoodbugForges crude weapons from scraps (bones, hide, broken pots)Ex-assassin; toes are actually concealed daggers that come off
93YorkStreetpughSell trinkets made of fish bones/scalesPetty thief; can squeeze body into tight spaces; almost gelatinous
94YmnTwinecotMusician; plays an instrument that seems to be almost playing itselfRuler of his/her own plane, that's completely empty; small trinket around neck is the key
95YamanqaStyarchUsed to work as a food taster for a far away queenShaman from a tiny, tiny forest world; grew out of his/her world; searching for it
96ZanWeebaldShifts in and out of this plane at random; will pay greatly to have it stopBases all decisions on a roll of a die
97ZoppFreeoreClaims to have been married to a bear once; lots of scar tissue; wears eye-patch; yellsHas the Devil's Dagger stuck in his/her chest; if removed, will summon 27 devils
98ÅlrickSeascullCursed; appears as flat painting in our worldDisguised troll from the underground bazaar; a comb keeps the illusion intact
99ÄlskadeRipefigSells hallucinogenic mushrooms (1 in 30 are potent and will materialize the visions)Has a hidden collection of ceramic cats at home; their waving paws dictates his/her life
100ÖlToothumSells leashes; once bought, they tether to an invisible animalPipe smoker; secretly smokes hair from other people to reveal their secrets (1 in 20 are true)

Jul 17, 2023

Gastropod die drop table

Print out the following photorealistic illustration of multiple slugs and snails for your next game. When you need a slug or a snail, just drop a die and use whatever it fell on.

(For those eco-friendly, non-printing people out there, please find a compiled table after the image for your convenience.)


Random gastropod encounter table to be used instead of the die drop alternative above:

  1. Slug
  2. Snail

Jul 1, 2023

King Dottie and his gnarly twig

King Dottie and his gnarly twig

They say that crown is really a wig

They say his kingdom is really weak

But to be fair he’s only done it for a week

King Dottie and his dirty clothes

They say the dots are flies in loads

They say his eyes are really warts

And that he only command through his farts


King Dottie and his seal clad castle

(building that fortress was really a hassle!)

Goblin King, Saviour, he’s all they got

Vanquisher, Invader - but always old Dot