May 31, 2024

The oracle that knows a guy that actually knows the answer

Oracles always seem to know stuff, but give so vague answers, you just leave them wishing you'd punch them instead.

So instead of having the oracle give open-ended answers, make them always answer with a name of someone who knows.

And not like, "Oh you wish to know where the lost treasures of the reptilian conquerors are? You should ask a man with a hat about that", but rather, "Oh you wish to know where the lost treasures of the reptilian conquerors are? You should ask Johann van der Bajskorv the Third."

This person MUST know the answer, otherwise this whole thing falls apart. But there's nothing saying that they are willing to tell the answer, or are even alive.

And remember: these oracles always just answers with specific names, e.g. not where they are. That requires another question - which will be answered with...another name.

"But where can we find Johann van der Bajskorv the Third?"

"Oh you wish to know where to find Johann van der Bajskorv the Third? You should ask Little Unwin Binwin Simsalabim."

And so on.

Try it! I haven't!

Classic painting of Johann van der Bajskorv the Third, sporting his ermine short fur coat,
and hanging around his neck, "an ultra-magic" necklace (his own words).

May 24, 2024

Plate 28 from "A celestial atlas" as a generic die drop table

Source: Wikipedia

Print out the above on a oversized paper, and drop dice on it to create a random encounter.

E.g. drop three die and use one to determine the monster/creature, one to determine weapon, and the last to determine weakness/weak spot on body.

Or instead of dice: put it on the wall and throw dart! Or dip your dice in paint and throw those instead on the wall.

Anyway, you could put a meaning to different dice and drop those on the atlas above and interpret the results and be very happy according to this table:

1d4: Major feature of monster (e.g. drops on wing = flight)

1d6: Minor feature of monster

1d8: Weakness

1d10: Desire/motivation

1d12: Number of lines touching underneath = hit die

1d20: Last kill was this

And - AND! - the creature's reaction towards the party is based on the total number of even/odd dice; more even dice = happy creature, more odd = not happy.

May 6, 2024

Walking trumpet pitcher


%  IN LAIR: 0



Jan 22, 2024

Summon something from there

The spell "Summon something from there" lets the spellcaster summon up an entity by pointing with her index finger at something, while uttering the spell's name.

A thin ray, magenta in colour, shoots out from the finger, tracing a perfectly straight line from the finger to whatever it hits first, and what it hits, is what the summoned entity will be entirely based on.

All the pointy-hat attendees at the Great Sorcerous World Faire of the year 148 thought this new spell was the most exciting thing ever, so much in fact that they named it and its inventor Caster and Spell of the Year (it had been a rather bland and dull year, to be honest). All the faire participants clapped their hands and smiled with their wine-soaked lips and teeth, and agreed that this truly was very exciting times to be alive, Gods bless us, everybody!

However, real wizards and sorcerers, i.e. grumpy bastards living in towers as crooked as themselves, pointed out two crucial facts:

  1. The caster doesn't know which index finger will be used by the ray; thus was the Boot Imp born
  2. The entity is merely based on the object the ray hits; e.g. the caster wanted a iron demon but got a fork variety instead

So, after some heated discussions, most real wizards started calling users of the spell for Can't-Be-Arsed-Wizards since they didn't seem to care about what they were actually summoning, and moved on with their lives (that is, locked the front door and continued being grumpy in solitude).

That said, it still was a fairly popular spell for a couple of years, until it reached a turning point in the year 173 when the (up to that point) great wizard Salphourza the Askewed had promised her king that no army was needed to fight off the invading forces that were approaching the castle; the great wizard and her trusty finger would save the kingdom! She bravely walked out on her own to meet the invaders on the field outside the castle, and with a firm voice she cried out: "YOU'VE TRAVELLED FAR, BAZGHUR THE BALD, BUT HERE YOUR JOURNEY ENDS. TURN BACK, OR FACE THE UNBELIEVABLE COSMIC HORROR FROM THE FARTHEST AND COLDEST REACHES OF THE DARK AND DEAD STARS!"

She then pointed her index finger in an overly dramatic posture straight up into the sky, uttered the spell name as loud as she could, and watched the magenta ray shoot out from her finger in a straight line into the sky; further...and further...and further...and further... The ray seemed to never end.

After a while Bazghur the Bald and his invading army grew tired of waiting, so they just rode past the wizard and took the city quite easily, leaving the poor wizard seemingly stuck in place, because that was the third crucial fact about the spell that real wizards had discovered; the caster can't move as long as the ray is out.

Jan 5, 2024

Chaindude and the happiest AI-CANISTER in the world


What is the CHAINDUDE listening to?

Why is the AI-CANISTER so happy?

Is it real or artificial happiness?

What is it looking at?

What does it contain?

Are those tattoos or static interference on his arms?

Is he, in fact, being electrocuted at this very moment?

Is it a chain or a cord?

Is he, in fact, actually a bass player looking for an amplifier?

Is he sweaty or just badly shaded?

Stay tuned* to find out!

(* I won't repeat the footnote joke, you'll just have to go look for it yourself)

Jan 4, 2024

This bird's up to no good



Or is it just making breakfast?

Or maybe it is totally unaware of the egg behind it?

Is it even an egg?

Are those bird legs or pants?

Is it even a bird?

And what are those magical swirls?

Are they even swirls?

Or are they twirls?

Stay* tuned!

(* You don't actually have to stay tuned, because there's no continuation planned for this)