Dec 29, 2017

Madame Maim

Atop the mountain, a bell
reddish in color, its sound so fell,
tolls her name

With a bag of souls to sell,
void is her color, rotten her smell;
Madame Maim, Madame Maim

Sep 24, 2017


If you fill a wooden barrel with goblin intestines - and one or several other mundane things - under a full moon while reciting the nine verses of Bubbling Blurbs of Boghat, you'll get a golemblin.

For every mundane thing you throw in, roll a d6 and look up the result below:
1: utter failure. Regardless of what you've tossed in, the golemblin goes insane and rages, starting with you
2-3: yay, the item's positive side-effect kicks in
4: both positive and negative side-effect (if any) kicks in
5-6: yikes, only the negative side-effect of this item kicks in

Golemblins speak ghargel - a mixed dialect that sounds like stew cooking. If a golemblin gets into a heaty discussion, it may start to leak some of its gooey inside through whatever cracks in the barrel it speaks through (some golemblins have thus talked themselves to death by dehydration).

You may put in some other stuff as well to give additional properties. Be inspired by this nice table compiled by the folks over at Google+:

#ItemPositive effectNegative effect
1Copper wiresElectrical attackChance of getting electrified and stunned when hit by metal
2Hot coalsSmoke attackGets a heart of burning coal that needs to be kept burning by feeding it hot embers. One hot ember keeps the heart burning for 24 hours. There is also a chance the Golemblin creates a small flame around it whenever it takes damage.
3Raptor clawsExtra claw attackGains an extra arm and claw but develops physical dysphoria and gets -1d6 on all attacks
4Crystal ballClairvoyanceMakes a sound of crushing glass when walking that can be heard about 20 feet away
5Elf earsSharp sensesElf ears
6Crushed butterfliesFlightAddiction to pollen
7DucklingMore obedient to its creatorWon't shut up
8Beef shankMore HPIs lazy and sleepy all the time
9Jug of moonshineBonus to morale, immune to fearSings, stumbles, is drunk all the time
10Bowl of curdled milkFireproofStinks
11Sulfur and saltpetreShoots fire blastsExplodes when reduced to 0 hp
12Hangman's nooseHas +3 to all saving throwsEveryone in 10' radius has -3 to all saving throws
13Big diamondAC as full plateKleptomaniac
14Viper skinsPoison biteAlways lies
15Turtle shellPlus 1 to ACMoves at half speed
16Troll skull19 Strength2 Intelligence
17Rabbit's footReroll 1sAlways limping
18Tree branchBark skinStiff like a tree: -1d6 to Dexterity/Agility/Flexibility
19Spotted dogtrip attack and good sense of smellProne to chasing small animals
20Eye of a flesh demon of ChoomCone of Disintegrationdisassociative flesh tends to collapse on a failed Con save every round, pulling itself together slowly
21Big rockSlam and knockdown attack
22Little rockSlingshot attack
23Dirty shoeStinking cloud attack
24Floppy hatCircle of comfortable shade (protects goblins from sunlight)
25EyepatchBlindness attack
26Coil of ropeEntangling lasso attack
27Ingot of ironCold iron attack
28Shiver of silverSilver attack
29Lump of goldDetect richest target
30Clod of claySlowing attack
31Shard of potteryBanish attack (ostrakha)
32AxeheadSlashing attack
33Bundle of boltsShoots bolts of goblin juju
34Stack of paperAdministrative red tape aura increases zone of controlExtremely good at administrative tasks but is not very likely to follow any order unless it is administrative. Has a fondness for complicated tasks that takes long time to complete.
35Coiled springJump attack
36Toy or real clownFear attack
37SnailSlime attackAny movement is at half speed
38Puppy dog's tailAura of cuteness
39Cat eyesSees in the darkGet an own agenda (only known to the Golemblin) to serve itself and wont hesitate to use others to fulfill it.
40Frog legsLeap and swimmingGets slimy mucous coverd skin that is glue like
41Fish tailsFaster swimmingVery short memory
42Seven snakesConstriction attack with intestines in barrelPetrifying gaze.
43Sword and stoneTrue king detectionChance of havinging attacks returned on self.
44Crypt Cup-1d6 to highest ability, -1d6 to lowest abilityIf the same character drings from the cup twice, it turns to dust. -1d6 on ALL abilites
45Molted snake skinOily skin making it difficult to grappleGet blind and only sense vibrations (not that sensitive though)
46Handful of candyMoves faster and is permanently excited (will not retreat)Huge deficit of attention - Easy to distract
47MarblesImpossible to trip and make fall proneClattering noise (no surprise)
48Watercolour paletteCan open passages through walls by painting a door Becomes mute and socially awkward

(Contributors in no particular order: Luka Rejec, Liban Issa, Simon Forster, Łukasz Krupiński, Cody Mazza, Jean-François Lebreton, and that Swedish bloke.)

Some nice illustrations by some very talented people to get your imagination going:

Matthew Adams
("A barrel Golem, made with predominately with snails and spiders. I suspect an apple with a maggot was thrown in too.")

Henrik Rosenborg

Scrap Princess

Scrap Princess

Luka Rejec

Actual footage of an actual golemblin. Taken in Sweden yesterday by yours truly.

Aug 10, 2017

Lavender orc smells really good

Should probably have a faint aura of automatic Charm Person, or at least a calming effect on persons nearby.

Jul 26, 2017

The Silent City

The Silent City is named so because it is illegal to speak. Foreigners are kicked out, citizens exiled or executed on spot (in most cases exiled since executions are noisy).

Environmental sounds aren't forbidden, but frowned upon (e.g. the sound of the blacksmith working). You should keep such activities on a lower layer, or preferably outside the city.

Silent Language is the official language, a strict sign language restricted to one-hand motions, a leftover from the 37 year old war where you'd want the other hand to always wield a weapon.

The citizens of the Silent City are not deaf.

Mages raised in the Silent City cannot cast spells that requires a verbal component.

The Grand Ocularium serves as what other cities would call a library, only here the books are replaced by several silent tellers; sages who can recite information using Silent Language. Books are noisy, turning pages are noisy, climbing ladders retrieving books are noisy.

Built like a wedding cake, the laws of silence are loosen up the further away from the top you get, although the rulers have many spies and watchers.

The lowest layer of the city - where the main gate is located - is called Whisper. You may get away with whispering here. This layer is where most commoners are found, foreign travelling merchants and their ilk.

It's unclear what the real reason for all this is, although an old tale tells about a sage in the Grand Ocularium that revealed that the city acts as a blanket, covering a sleeping baby god. The baby is harmless, but if disturbed, the cry will anger and attract its parents - whatever they may be.

Jul 22, 2017

AD&D Monster Manual as haiku (part 2 - B)

Here's the next part. Ah B, I was looking forward to the beholder, but it was the baluchitherium that surprised me.

Yes, this series is probably mostly useless, but they are fun to write, although this entry took longer than I expected. WAY longer.



one half pacifist
one half indeterminism
red ass waves goodbye


you dig like a sow
do you even work out, brock?
your pelt looks like felt




bowman not needed
undersea ferocity
salt water arrow


little dragon king
you shun your own reflection
no glasses for you


boring encounter
forests, or a grizzly cave
give papa a hug


this entry feels like
a predictable scene from
National Lampoon


hungry moving house
elemental or common
we gather feces


polyphemus, lo!
here be your galatea
twelve pupils of death


foul crevice seeker
no paper could collect you
darkest giant snot


daddy the pup's gone!
no wait it came back, hey pup!
no wait! oh fuck this


pig of the sounder
juvenile, only older
everyone knows pig


malignant nevus
of the poor psionics mind


handy half halfling
how is your very short sword
not just a dagger?


illustrated cow
body, sepia world map
head, dark thunderstorm


just a hairy man
it is, really: goblin men
wrong taxonomy


monster à la carte
worcestershire demon hot sauce
damn you mad wizard


they squeezed this one in
an entry worthy its name
beware page filler

Jul 9, 2017

AD&D Monster Manual as haiku (part 1 - A)

I got this idea after misreading a post of  the most excellent Luka Rejec, where his words describing his drawing almost felt haiku-like.

Alright, before we start, the haiku I'll try to write are going to be bastard versions of a real haiku: that is, I'll only count syllables. Haiku poets around the world be hating.

And I'll use the AD&D 1e monster manual, because that's the only monster manual I got.

Alright, let's start with the first part.



anger management
could save the both of us, dear
mage hand is better


dirt shark fights dirty
a secret crush on farmers
acidic love spit

ANT, Giant

off with her head man
why don't you remember my
name - I guess she does

APE, (Gorilla)

swedish pun, begone
silly walk as silly talk
seven sunclad days

APE, Carnivorous

human barbecue
larger stronger better me
sign language for all


my clean cuts, sleek kills
dust clouds shadows escape path
need to lay an egg

Jun 7, 2017

The Green Wall

"Babs got a new apartment closer to the Green Wall, ain't that something?"

"I heard they painted the wall green to make it more inviting. Like a forest."

"What's a forest?"

"... I can't remember."

"... Good for Babs, though! Maybe she and Walt can sort things out now!"


"Babs had no right to bring those documents beyond the Green Wall! Her clearance may be higher than most, but we're supposed to keep secrets - well, secret!"

"... What do you think happened in Citrus 2? I mean, really happened?"

"She got what she deserved, Dave. Non-people have no business there."

"I heard they pushed her off the -"

"Stop hearing things, Dave. I mean it."

"... I love you."

"Of course you do, Dave, it's the law."

Feb 16, 2017

Ol' Goldyhead

Ol' Goldyhead is made pf pure gold. He rests upon Red Mountain. A few poor souls have tried to scrape his skin, but ol' Goldyhead's scream will blow of your head.

He has a cold twice a year. His snot is silver.