80s one page dungeon

KEY

Entering a room: roll on room table, and so on:

1. Empty
2. Low on battery Robo-Robo-Rat
3. Self-aware Hercules monitor
4. Waste pool; static leakage from MTV
5. A sad 404-page
6. Horny laser-beams
7. Fear-droids
8. Low-res versions of the players
9. Pocket calculator that talks through its LCD-display
10. Programmable Ray-Guns (bullets are sub-routines)

The Blood Connoisseur

Oh please, sit, sit!

Don't you lift your finger, not even a bit!

A guest is at his best

when he's served, oh how absurd!

I forgot our cheese!

And crackers! Oh, please,

not to mention, two glasses of red!

Hm, what was that you said?

Pimbleman's Cut?

Oh sweetie surely you're jok-...oh you're not...

That was...a different take,

on, one may say, this toxic some drink today

Just feels like a waste

of tongue and taste...

Oh, listen to me, old and sour!

Hope my warm hospitality didn't turn into a cold shower!

But, you know what? To hell

with crackers and cheese!

I'll taste your Pimbleman, to have you be at ease!

But after that, I will spoil your tongue

with a wine that makes you feel vivid and strong

and we'll dance in this moonlit salon!

Don't be alarmed, miss, but when I kiss

I may just nibble a bit...

Peddler of imps

Imp peddlers can be found everywhere, from the filthiest, most crowded street corner, to the loneliest road beyond the mountains. But you'll only find them when you're not looking for one.

They sell imps, more precisely the short-lived, chaotic devilkins most folk don't want nothing to do with. The peddlers don't have a stock of imps, but will conjure a fresh one for each buyer (after payment, of course).

The conjured imp will obey its new master most of the time. That is all that is known to the player.

Creating the imp
The imp will live for 2d4 days.

After this, it will:

1. Start to bloat, until it drifts off like a balloon in the sky
2. Start to bloat, until it explodes (damages anyone nearby)
3. Dissipate like water
4. Turn into 2002 beetles that flies away
5. Split into two smaller copies, which will split again into smaller copies, and again, and again - until no copy is visible
6. Turn to marble
7. Living its life in reverse (backtracking its steps, etc.), down to the very summoning (which will banish it instead)
8. Become mummified over the course of 10 seconds
9. Start burning intensively
10. Head falls off - then the arms - legs - tail

But during its lifetime, it will Crave and Fear an item from the following list (roll for both):

1. The sight of blood
2. The smell of flowers
3. Heights
4. Hats
5. Repeating patterns
6. Water
7. Paths and trails
8. Lit torches
9. Its own reflection
10. Its own death

Imps are actually capable of scheming, despite common belief, but they're pretty limited. Roll on the table below to get the imp's hidden agenda:

1. When master no see me, must hide his stuff in ground
2. When moon is high, must sneak away and find wolves
3. When master and us is sneaking, must bark loud
4. When master not watch his plate, must sit on food
5. When walking, must trip master
6. When in town, sneak away, spread rumors about master
7. When see wizard, pretend to be better familiar for he
8. When sleeping, take stuff from friends and put on master
9. When sleeping, eat on master's clothes
10. When meet other imp, learn another scheme 

Use your body

1. Poisonous tongue
   Pros: May coat any weapon with a mild poison by licking on it.
   
   Cons: Must save vs. poison every meal, or risk self-poisoning
    
2. Pullnose
   Pros: May extend nose by pulling it, for a chance to gain an even more sensitive nose. Every 10 cm pulled qualifies for a 2d6-roll on the table below (and replaces any previous gained property):
   
   
   2. Detect mild poisons in food/drinks
   3. Can track a scent like a dog
   4. Finding mushrooms have never been this easy
   5. Can determine if someone's lying by their odor
   6. Nothing - nose changes color to pale blue
   7. Nothing - nose glows in the dark
   8. Nothing - nose grows another 5 cm
   9. Can smell an object and gain a bit of knowledge about it
   10. Smelling flowers reveals what type of creatures that has passed by in the last 24 hours
   11. Smelling a dead body for at least one hour to gain a memory/spell (in case of wizards)
   12. Smelling a bar stool reveals a secret about the village/town
   
   Cons: Anyone can pull (doesn't grant a roll on the table above). New nose length is permanent.
    
3. Clenching fist
   Pros: By clenching his/her fist really hard, the person produces (hopefully) liquid equal to one cup. Can do this once every hour. Roll 2d6 on the table below to see what he/her produce:
   
   
   2. Clean water
   3. Red wine
   4. Fine sand
   5. Mud
   6. Oil
   7. Blood (lose life)
   8. Ectoplasm (50% risk a ghost materializes)
   9. Water that smells of sulfur
   10. Pure poison (save vs. poison)
   11. Really bad beer
   12. Fresh, cold milk
   
   Cons: Need to make a dexterity check after each clenching. Failing means the person passes out for 1d6 hours.
    
4. Tired eyes
   Pros: By making eye contact with somebody, and then slowly blinking a couple of times, the blinker has a 5% chance to make the victim fall asleep.
   
   Cons: Save vs. constitution, or you fall asleep as well.
    
5. Bedroom eyes
   Pros: Works exactly like Tired Eyes, but instead of falling asleep, the victim will reveal any information and secrets known to them (in exchange for promises of hugs and kisses and whatnot), during the next ten minutes. When the effect ends, the victim will have a grim headache.
   
   Cons: All victims turn into stalkers after a day (5% are violent, 50% are incurable romantics and will recite poetry and bring flowers, 50% cries and posts long letters "signed with tears").
    
6. Edible beard
   Pros: The beard of this person is nutritious and satiating.
   
   Cons: It tastes awful, no matter the seasoning. Only half of the serving is digested; the other half works like a beacon for the Shadow Lurkers, gnarly creatures that grants this property to beards during the night time. The undigested beard works as stuffing, since the Shadow Lurkers believe humans needs a bit of seasoning before cooking.
   The Shadow Lurkers will try to drag away the stuffed person during the night. They can smell undigested beard in a ten mile area.

The Lair of Shub-Muggah

Mr Telecanter offered a challenge the other day: Make a one page dungeon that uses only images and visual devices. No words. No abbreviations.

My attempt at this is below. The biggest challenge for me was to keep the "visual dungeon dressing" (e.g. skulls and bones and stuff laying around) at a minimum, since I wanted to use clear symbols and icons (like ideograms) to give clues to the DM reading the map. One way to solve this I guess is to draw the DM symbols in a different colour.

And yes, drinking from the Muggah cures headaches and tired eyes.

HMS Duncan

(Click for bigger)

HMS Duncan is built on the exoskeleton of a World Tortoise. It's a submarine vessel, used by its current crew for collecting artifacts from the sea floor.

Through a hole in the front, the Duncan can "vacuum" objects from the outside and spit them out in area F. 

There are no windows.

There's a functional communicating system on board: hollow copper pipes are installed in every room. Speaking in one will echo your voice everywhere.

A. Bridge

A rather large armchair is located here, with its back against the wall (e.g. it is placed at the leftmost position on the map, facing the room). There are three, narrow slots at the end of each armrest, shaped after human fingers. The captain uses this for controlling the Duncan, although somewhat indirect (see area G).

B. Hatch (exit)

Enter/exit the Duncan through a hatch on the top of the shell.

C. Messdeck

A messy room, filled with chairs and tables.

D-E. Cabin

Crude, hard beds, two in each room.

F. Deckhouse

Also known as the debris room. There's a hatch in the floor, through which vacuumed objects from the outside can be collected.

It's pretty messy room.

G. Engine room

Here lives the entity merely known as the Lump, the one who actually runs the Duncan. Few have seen this creature, since it keeps the doors to this room locked at all time.

When the captain sits in the controlling chair (area A), she will communicate with the Lump, telling it where the crew want to go, but it's the Lump that has the final say.

Current crew

Captain Czarlotte de Bonne

Yellow, braided hair. Yellow eyes. Face scar. Uses a gnarly crutch, that's actually a concealed rapier.

Sloppy, messy, intelligent.

Chef Étienne Choron

Extremely tall, skinny. Clean-shaven (even eyebrows). Long, narrow fingers.

Formal, uncompromising. Hates onion soup, so when he's sulking, that's what he'll make.

Has a familiar in the form of a blue, translucent ghost frog. It follows him around.

The Lump

Lives in the engine room. Drives/operates the Duncan.

Otherwordly (?), tentacles (?), spotted (?), etheral (?), lives on the magic leaking from the engines (?).

HMS Duncan is currently en route to the port of Bandar Karahc, the large desert harbor in the east.

Flail-tailed hoarfrost tortoise

Flail-tailed hoarfrost tortoise

Solitary living, blind, two heads.

Non-aggressive, herbivore (mouth is hidden).

Tail is split in two. Both ends have a pale blue, spiked ball.

If threaten, will try to hit its attacker with the spiked ball. It contains a mild poison that will gradually slow its attacker down each round until they can barely move. Effect lasts an hour, under which the tortoise will try to get away.

Highly intelligent, probably telepathic.

Size varies from that of small dogs to large cows. Lifespan: usually 700-1000 years.

Tastes like sour chicken.

Bored Undead Halfboar

(Mixed and matched using Telecanter's public domain images.)

Jungle expedition, entry 43

Chewing Warlock

Class
Chewing Warlock


Description
Hungry wizards from the far away land of Amusebouche. They usually worship the drunken vampire god Aperire, known for her great thirst before dinner. 


Spells
May only cast spells while chewing on something edible. Young warlocks tend to favor sap the first couple of years, until they grow sick of the gooey taste. Pies, cherry tomatoes and roasted chicken legs are more common among the older, fatter warlocks.


Spellbooks
Chewing warlocks may only use cookbooks for storing spells. They'll have to make do of any available space left on a recipe page.

There's a small risk that a recipe leaks into a spell while the warlock memorizes it. For example, some claim that the Wicked Witch War all started because of a misaimed Magic Missile and Shepherd's pie.