Summon something from there

The spell "Summon something from there" lets the spellcaster summon up an entity by pointing with her index finger at something, while uttering the spell's name.

A thin ray, magenta in colour, shoots out from the finger, tracing a perfectly straight line from the finger to whatever it hits first, and what it hits, is what the summoned entity will be entirely based on.

All the pointy-hat attendees at the Great Sorcerous World Faire of the year 148 thought this new spell was the most exciting thing ever, so much in fact that they named it and its inventor Caster and Spell of the Year (it had been a rather bland and dull year, to be honest). All the faire participants clapped their hands and smiled with their wine-soaked lips and teeth, and agreed that this truly was very exciting times to be alive, Gods bless us, everybody!

However, real wizards and sorcerers, i.e. grumpy bastards living in towers as crooked as themselves, pointed out two crucial facts:

1. The caster doesn't know which index finger will be used by the ray; thus was the Boot Imp born
2. The entity is merely based on the object the ray hits; e.g. the caster wanted a iron demon but got a fork variety instead
   

So, after some heated discussions, most real wizards started calling users of the spell for Can't-Be-Arsed-Wizards since they didn't seem to care about what they were actually summoning, and moved on with their lives (that is, locked the front door and continued being grumpy in solitude).

That said, it still was a fairly popular spell for a couple of years, until it reached a turning point in the year 173 when the (up to that point) great wizard Salphourza the Askewed had promised her king that no army was needed to fight off the invading forces that were approaching the castle; the great wizard and her trusty finger would save the kingdom! She bravely walked out on her own to meet the invaders on the field outside the castle, and with a firm voice she cried out: "YOU'VE TRAVELLED FAR, BAZGHUR THE BALD, BUT HERE YOUR JOURNEY ENDS. TURN BACK, OR FACE THE UNBELIEVABLE COSMIC HORROR FROM THE FARTHEST AND COLDEST REACHES OF THE DARK AND DEAD STARS!"

She then pointed her index finger in an overly dramatic posture straight up into the sky, uttered the spell name as loud as she could, and watched the magenta ray shoot out from her finger in a straight line into the sky; further...and further...and further...and further... The ray seemed to never end.

After a while Bazghur the Bald and his invading army grew tired of waiting, so they just rode past the wizard and took the city quite easily, leaving the poor wizard seemingly stuck in place, because that was the third crucial fact about the spell that real wizards had discovered; the caster can't move as long as the ray is out.

Small world

 

Chaindude and the happiest AI-CANISTER in the world

 

What is the CHAINDUDE listening to?

Why is the AI-CANISTER so happy?

Is it real or artificial happiness?

What is it looking at?

What does it contain?

Are those tattoos or static interference on his arms?

Is he, in fact, being electrocuted at this very moment?

Is it a chain or a cord?

Is he, in fact, actually a bass player looking for an amplifier?

Is he sweaty or just badly shaded?

Stay tuned* to find out!

(* I won't repeat the footnote joke, you'll just have to go look for it yourself)

This bird's up to no good

 

 

Or is it just making breakfast?

Or maybe it is totally unaware of the egg behind it?

Is it even an egg?

Are those bird legs or pants?

Is it even a bird?

And what are those magical swirls?

Are they even swirls?

Or are they twirls?

Stay* tuned!

(* You don't actually have to stay tuned, because there's no continuation planned for this)

Thicket

Knock! #4 Kickstarter is live, and I got some stuff in it

The Kickstarter for Knock! issue four is now live, and I got some stuff in it! 212 pages of gaming articles, tables, and whatnots.

I've only heard good stuff about the previous issues, so here's hoping I won't ruin anything!

If you pledge on the "Ecstatic Mushperson" level, you too will be able to stack your copies like above!

Anagramming Monster Manual - Part E

Age gelatin

A type of slime that when touched, ages only that part 1d6 years per round exposed. This includes all types of materials, e.g. not only organic matters. A simple splash of water is all that takes to remove the slime.

If ingested, the subject will age overall (i.e. every part of the body, as one normally does), but will also keep doing so at the same rate until they die of old age (unless they can cancel it out, or gain immortality and thus keep ageing but still be kept alive: the lich Richard of Bärfis is an example of that; he's a couple of thousand years old and can't really move, and looks more like a raisin that a man, but is happier than ever).

Age gelatin is extracted from the marrows of Time Swines, but can also be found in Time Limes for those preferring plant based magic.

A reek seer

These one-eyed humanoids predicts the future for small amounts of washnuts as only payment.

There are two types of reek seers, but what they have in common is that they're always wrong in their predictions.

The first type is always extremely, off the charts wrong (their prediction "reeks"): ask them if it will rain tomorrow, and they will tell you that a great sea serpent will erupt from the ground and spew forth an ocean with sharks and starfish and then another ocean will hear about this new ocean and come over and it will be two oceans and more sharks and then a rain cloud will come over as well and maybe a shark cloud and it will rain sharks and...and...and...

The second type is also always wrong in their predictions, only in a more realistic way: ask them if it will rain tomorrow, and they will tell you they don't know, end of discussion, go home, good bye. They smell like Danish cheese.

Lee

A sorcerer that is dependent on the wind to guide their spells; e.g. when they cast a bolt of fire, it will only travel the way the wind blows.

Tee ref

A type of oracle that only talks in tautologies.

Anal eel timer

Whatever it is, you should probably have it checked out in time.

Helena rattle me

A humanoid sloth, big as an elephant. It lacks eyes but uses a large bone rattle to navigate its surroundings; it takes two steps and then stops to rattle three times, fully focused on how the sound travels. It then follows the path that sounded the most promising in terms of food.

It also utilizes the large bone rattle as a club when hunting.

Wee nettle alarm

This plant looks like a ordinary nettle, but will not cause pain if brushed against. Instead, the toxin lies dormant until the subject is close to danger (as sensed by the toxin from the subject's heartbeat, among other things), at which time it triggers a reaction that causes the subject to scream (though not in pain).

The toxin lies dormant up till one hour.

Petal hen

This monster looks like a ring of the most beautiful poultry you've ever seen; vivid colours, posh feathers, round and healthy. They're all facing outwards from the ring, wings raised high in the air, clucking melodically; as it draws closer and closer, it's hard not to be mesmerized by the slow spinning dance.

And then, when they are right next to you, the false poultry lower their wings at the same time, exposing a round, gaping void of teeth and eyes, hoping to trip you over and swallow you whole.

Facet quail

These little birds suffers from low poly count, or dare I say, low Polly count.

Word

These pale, paper-thin monsters are actually non-hostile at first. They float through the air, curious, until they suddenly pick out one subject at random, after which they will follow it curiously. As this subject speaks, the entity transcribe these words onto themselves, until they're entirely filled with words.

At this point, they turn extremely hostile, moving words around to form new meanings, as if they want to misinterpret. Soon, the words will fly off their body as projectiles, targeting only the subject; the longer the sentence, the more damage it does.

When all words have left the monster, it goes back to its non-hostile routine, floating about, looking for a new subject.

Rage fly

These small insects are really upset. They will hover next to your ear and tell you how much they bloody hate you, this place, and all other beings, and that their food taste like shite, and so on.

Most people and animals never notice these flies. The only other being that can understand these flies are beetles, but they pretend not to.

Hell ffa

Small, round beans. Nutritious and edible if cooked, but hell will break loose in your stomach since a tiny replica of one layer of the abyss - or a mere slice of one - will materialize inside your guts for the next eight hours.

Roll 1d666 to determine which one.

Fowl ode

A wind spirit, invisible to the eye. It attracts birds by flowing itself through hollow trees and other narrow spaces at high speeds, thereby producing sounds of various pitch and scale. When a flock of birds large enough to satisfy its hunger is following its trail, it quickly wraps itself around the flock, and materialize as a lightning cloud for a split second, under which it discharge one powerful intracloud lightning.

It will then materialize as a thick shrubbery, which will fall (along with the dead birds inside) to the ground, where the fowl ode will slowly digest the birds over a course of one week, after which it will return to its wind shape.

 

Ten it

These goblinoid creatures are very much like any other goblin, with one very strange exception: with their final breath, they always point at something at random and utter something gibberish, which will multiply whatever they pointed at ten times.

Since this also includes living beings, one theory is that this is how Ten it-goblins reproduce.

A fey gone lit

Small, winged beings. Their fly patterns are highly irregular and mellow. They smell like the worst part of a bonfire, and they will talk your ears off - literally - which they will collect and turn into small beds.

Yo he feet peed

This monster is actually more afraid of you than the other way around.

You will be flushed out into space

 

Clueless

 

My Secret Santicore 2014 entry: People at the bazaar!

For reasons unknown, I stumbled upon my old Secret Santicore 2014 entry - and actually, quite liked it!

And since I quite liked it, and couldn't find it here, I thought I should archive it here as well, since although the tomes of the Santicore contains multitudes of infinite wisdom, they are just exactly that; TOMES.

(And I find the font hard to read.)

The request was as follows:

Most cruel of givers, I a humble petitioner ask for a means of filling my seedy marketplace with scoundrels, villains, shifty peddlers, beggars, vagabonds, and their ilk. But not just who they are but why they are at the irreputable bazaar. The place is busy and though a person may only meet 20 people in the course of their visit, 100 people would not be unreasonable.

Thanks!

J.F.

(I never did find out who that was.)

So I naturally made a d100 table of people; roll once and read across, or roll once per column.

Of course, Blogger wasn't made for displaying tables, so I tried my best to fit it below without screwing up the AMAZING page layout (it's all just text so you should be able to just copy-paste it), you may need to scroll horizontal. But there's also a pure sheet version on Google Drive if the one below gives you trouble.

OR...just use the button below the table. It is INTERACTIVE and will DIGITALLY produce a random person for you! The mind boggles!

#	First name	Last name (1st part)	Last name (2nd part)	Business at the bazaar	Secret
1	Abgad	Knife	heart	Sells meat of unknown origin; 1 in 6 contains beneficial parasites	Been tracking the party for days
2	Ahq	Mold	ears	Sells painted pot shards as relics	Stolen identity
3	Almond	Old	daughter	Looking for ... (roll up another person)	His/her teeth are living beings; last of their kind
4	Aziri	Pocket	farer	Looking for a blood magician named ... (roll up another one)	Wanted for murder
5	Badsey	Twixt	ruse	Prizefighter; last match was against ... (roll another)	Mind reader; mute
6	Barker	Broth	brat	Wears a porcelain mask	Actually two people, one standing on the other
7	Billobi	Warring	moor	Crawls on a all four, searching for that "special" coin	Breed imps at home in his/her cellar
8	Bog	Tot	tripler	Carries a big animal cage, says s/he lost "them"	Spoils food just by touching it
9	Cag	Skar	bringer	Pickpocketing (bad at it)	Body smell is slightly toxic
10	Coo	Booth	bub	Pickpocketing (good at it)	Undead without knowing it
11	Cut	Toe	eye	Exotic fruit merchant	Can't lie (under a spell)
12	Dodger	Ash	hater	Palm reader (quack)	Can't tell the truth (under a spell)
13	Dong	Teeth	tosser	Bodyguard for ... (roll up another person)	Steals memories
14	Drutt	Prat	thrasher	Broke merchant just closing up his shop	Shrinks to pixie size during night time
15	Edma	Star	whisperer	Selling home-made maps to a newly discovered continent	Bored noble, playing "common"
16	Estra	Fear	trawler	Doomsayer (can't shut up)	Dies every full moon; reincarnated at the next
17	Eugen	Moth	mangler	Mimer (unappreciated); specializes in "death-faces"	Clothes are a parasite
18	Exo	Baby	burier	Hatter; everything's made of food	Keeps a log book at home with details about every person s/he's ever met
19	Farthington	Gob	collector	Loafer; can whistle the spell Strong Whistling	Just robbed a friend of the party
20	Father	Filth	taster	Local guard (corrupt), works in pairs (roll up another person)	Working in collusion with another merchant; steals goods to sell
21	Forlorn	Salt	mine	Fishwife	Working with the law enforcers
22	Fhf	Log	and mud	Sells love potions (1 in 6 are magically, but actual emotion is random)	Paints charms all around town; may attract pixies
23	Garga	Fart	fob	Has miniature golems (clay) for sale	Sound of voice is delayed due to excessive time travelling
24	Gloth	Piss	master	Known drunk, ignored by most	Dust collector; tries to invent a new type of golem
25	Gy	Knob	hole	Merchant of extremely tiny weapons (finger sized)	Can turn small amounts of sand into glass at will, but will lose life doing so
26	Hasten	Rot	well	Merchant of ridiculously large weapons	Wakes up every day with one prepared spell, but have no idea what it will do
27	Hog	Much	less	Trying to buy meat but cannot speak the language	Has an unhealthy affection for cats
28	Hoop	Oath	bend	Drawing symbols on the ground (manic)	Stalks ... (roll up another person)
29	Idle	Tick	blood	Sings for money (knows one song)	Has a cast iron foot (cursed by a witch ten years ago)
30	Ihmren	Palm	bleed	Looking for trouble (already got a black eye)	Actually a forgotten minor deity (forgot it him/herself)
31	Iinez	Sand	peeler	Looking for a translator; has cryptic, unreadable note found in a pot	Both hands turn into solid iron when angry; almost drowned once
32	Iridia	Marrow	son	Sells outlawed wine (or so s/he says)	Possessed by a demon; original soul lost
33	Jahaja	Hill	barrow	Lost, naked, speaks gibberish	Will start stalking party if approached
34	Jarmin	Rough	flinger	Member of Priesthood of Animals; chants by imitating animals	Levitates 1 cm above ground at all times; will die if feet touches
35	Jil	Minx	flesh	Hungover poet at it again; arms tattooed with poetry	Half-tree, half-human. Hunted. Keeps to him/herself
36	Jug	Copper	wound	Just a nobody. No teeth	Collector of shrunken human heads, still kept alive through magic
37	Kar	Dirt	widgeon	Street food; everything from the sea	All items owned/sold are cursed; something about his/her hands
38	Kendrick	Wight	craft	Street food; dogs, cats	Werehuman; turns into a different type of person at full moon
39	Koki	Troll	lord	Street food; large beetles that must be eaten alive	Fence (low-risk stuff); 1 in 4 are broken
40	Kovet	Zest	pound	Potter (not a very good one). 1 in 20 pot contains a strange note from ... (roll another)	Fence (high-risk stuff); 1 in 12 are magical; 1 in 6 are cursed
41	Lady	Kill	head	Fletcher; arrows are bent and looks more like twigs, but works anyway	Knows the way to the hidden bazaar underground
42	Laza	Bumble	fumbler	Fletcher; living arrows	His/her shadow is actually another living entity
43	Lump	Lung	bell	Sells expensive pictorial carpets; 1 in 12 is an actual dungeon map	Runs one of the many local gangs together with ... (roll up 3 more people)
44	Ly	Nose	odor	Back-of-the-hand reader; can see person's complete history	Has already stolen something minor from the party
45	Mama	Under	sung	Thimblerigger	Self-fulfilling vampire hunter; needs no real proof of person actually being a vampire
46	Maggot	Cod	wing	Portrait artist; after completing the painting, will tear it apart and shout "RUBBISH!"	Has a demon maggot infestation bubbling in his/her stomach
47	Muck	Nine	pot	Just another nobody that happens to look like your mirror image	A horn is growing from the top of his/her head (hidden under a leather cap)
48	Mildew	Fiddle	heel	Specializes in spices, lacks eyebrows	Forced to lure away children to a troll bridge just outside of town
49	Nour	Sick	pus	Crazy; acts like a stray dog; good at finding people	Gets town gossip from gargoyles
50	Nadia	Gib	fin	Boatsman; looking for a crew to sail to a newly discovered continent	Drips poison in food around the market
51	Nydd	Poor	ish	Boatsman; looking to replace his former crew that...uhm...isn't...eh..."here" anymore	The head is the only solid form on this body; rest is gas (hidden under clothes)
52	Nell	Little	letter	Gravedigger, emaciated; looking for a new shovel	Has a mechanical heart
53	Ort	Neck	rug	User of flying ointment; cats follow him/her at a distant	Can command small amounts of gravel for a short period of time
54	Ondo	Small	fry	Recruiter for Cult of the Free Flesh; looking for volunteers to sacrifice themselves	Has a treasure map tattooed on his/her body
55	Oze	Fish	drought	Hitman; offers people to hit him/her for money;	Left eyeball isn't his/hers; belongs to a witch that spies on the town
56	Pebble	Beetle	pore	Eats onions; talks about the old days and the old bazaar	Ages ten times faster than a normal human
57	Poriya	Nail	dweller	Washes hair in mud; says s/he's worth it	Pigs recognizes him/her as their true savior
58	Poppy	Sore	picker	Sells mules; looks like one, smells like one, talks like one	Astronomer; just made contact with a distant star through quartz crystals
59	Pix	Bone	caller	Tosses cabbages from a rooftop, shouting "INFIDELS!"	Heartbroken; planning the great revenge that will "show them all"
60	Qala	Rum	hoof	Town crier; mostly made-up news	Eyes and ears are detachable; used to work as a spy
61	Quinton	Gel	rib	Wears Boots of the Toddler; makes you walk like a drunk	Avatar of an avatar of an avatar of an extremely local deity (as in this street)
62	Qoo	Wet	wit	Snake charmer; plays a flute; has several bite marks in his/her face	Has the reanimated body of ... (roll another one) in his/her cellar
63	Qit	Foot	loose	Chased by ... (roll another one), claims s/he stole his/her hat	Back is covered in eyes; all but one focuses on the same thing
64	Rust	Wither	skin	Sells blessings; writes them up on the spot (two-liners that rhymes; 1 in 20 works)	Coughs copper coins
65	Razi	Maul	pine	The Herald of Unwanted Things; clothes made of trash (quite mad)	Traps people in a small handheld mirror during the full moon
66	Roulia	Herring	herder	Alchemist; can break down smaller things into salts and strange components	Worshipper of Asudem, a cult that tries to turn statues into people
67	Ruf	Iron	belly	Scryer; sells glimpses of peoples homes (1 in 12 are real)	Shadow catcher; grinds them to dust; powder can be used for reanimations
68	Sofi	Mould	pie	Scryer; sells glimpses of peoples secrets (1 in 12 are true)	Mind and body are separated each midnight for two hours as distinct entities
69	Shahab	Gar	pipe	Writer; selling his/her latest book "The Bazaar Below Us; A Child's Tale"	Runs the "Small Monster Zoo" at the hidden bazaar underground
70	Sir	Ferry	pin	Sells puff pastry that looks like snails, worms, maggots, etc.; filled	Gills; need to find water to breathe in every ten minutes
71	Scar	Sow	fey	Part of a travelling theater group (roll three more people)	Teleports five feet in random direction every time s/he farts
72	Tally	Ale	rood	Sells used capes; 1 in 12 smells of garlic	Both will perish if eye contact is made with ... (roll another one)
73	Turtle	Hem	field	Skinner; specializes in pallas's cats	Roll four more people; these five can mend into a giant once/day; this person is the only one who knows it
74	Tab	Lock	scythe	Butcher of few words; nobody seems to know what happened to the last one	King/queen on the run from tireless assassins
75	Tamaran	Thrum	mower	Will do anything for cinnamon	Can stretch arms up to three meters
76	Uma	Tall	mole	Sells intelligent crows as companions (1 in 6 isn't intelligent; 1 in 4 isn't loyal)	Produces threads of silk from his/her own body; 1 in 6 risk turns into a cocoon instead
77	Uff	Sweat	brim	Monster hunter looking for ingredients for his/her next trap	Former head of the local thieves guild; wanted by most; planning to leave town
78	Uhnfeyn	Owl	haw	Poet; shouting his/her newest piece "WHY I LOATHE ..." (roll another person)	Turns into an indestructible statue when threatened
79	Ubo	Cold	grace	Farmer, selling crops; avoids eye contact	Escaped prisoner; circle tattoo on neck s/he tries to conceal
80	Viz	Fungi	stead	Debt collector; currently looking for ... (roll three more people); will pay for aid	Has a small vial of liquid annihilation; saving it for the revolution
81	Vala	Badger	toil	Beggar; claims s/he recognizes the party; looks a bit too clean	Ventriloquist; uses it to trick people into believing they are haunted
82	Vex	Shrub	rot	Sells umbrellas made of animal skin (some works as shields)	Works together with ...; leads people away into alleys and mugs them
83	Valdibart	Rosy	ridge	Beggar; will work for food (unreliable)	Pirate captain; rest of crew are hiding in the underground bazaar
84	Wenn	At	noon	Face painter; 1 in 12 chance paint will protect as a helmet for the rest of the day	Last guardian of tiny, tiny forest world; keeps it in his/her hat
85	Winthrop	Stock	croft	Sells chickens large enough to ride on	Trying to find ... (roll another), a demon s/he summoned up and released
86	Wafa	Wall	love	Hireling; looking for work; chewing a bone	Footman of the rebellion. Waiting for a signal from ... (roll another)
87	Wheeler	Inn	house	Failed wizard selling mischievous spells (Legtripping, Hairdoundoer, Dog breath, etc.)	Cries blood, bleeds water; half-aquanoid
88	Xö	Waste	stone	Claims to be able to train anything into a war animal; sells small dogs	Has richness at the underground bazaar but forgot the way
89	Xinjiang	No	brick	Jester in exile; melancholic; torn clothes	Smuggles strange things from the underground bazaar to the surface
90	Xipe	Grey	sour	Sells clay pots that explodes on command; no eyebrows	Consumes food by absorbing its energy; two antennas folded into his/her ears
91	Xosa	Seep	cellar	Barrelmaker; shabby, bearded	Bounty hunter; looking for ... (roll another)
92	Yari	Wood	bug	Forges crude weapons from scraps (bones, hide, broken pots)	Ex-assassin; toes are actually concealed daggers that come off
93	York	Street	pugh	Sell trinkets made of fish bones/scales	Petty thief; can squeeze body into tight spaces; almost gelatinous
94	Ymn	Twine	cot	Musician; plays an instrument that seems to be almost playing itself	Ruler of his/her own plane, that's completely empty; small trinket around neck is the key
95	Yamanqa	Sty	arch	Used to work as a food taster for a far away queen	Shaman from a tiny, tiny forest world; grew out of his/her world; searching for it
96	Zan	Wee	bald	Shifts in and out of this plane at random; will pay greatly to have it stop	Bases all decisions on a roll of a die
97	Zopp	Free	ore	Claims to have been married to a bear once; lots of scar tissue; wears eye-patch; yells	Has the Devil's Dagger stuck in his/her chest; if removed, will summon 27 devils
98	Ålrick	Sea	scull	Cursed; appears as flat painting in our world	Disguised troll from the underground bazaar; a comb keeps the illusion intact
99	Älskade	Ripe	fig	Sells hallucinogenic mushrooms (1 in 30 are potent and will materialize the visions)	Has a hidden collection of ceramic cats at home; their waving paws dictates his/her life
100	Öl	Toot	hum	Sells leashes; once bought, they tether to an invisible animal	Pipe smoker; secretly smokes hair from other people to reveal their secrets (1 in 20 are true)