The Compleat Spell Book of Surfer Rosa

BONE MACHINE
At the touch of the caster, the bones of the affected person begins to move in strange patterns, unsettling and unfamiliar for most people.
This strange dance lasts for 31 rounds.


BREAK MY BODY
At the touch of the caster, the sorcerer is able to make every bone in the touched person's body disappear.
By some cruel fate, this spell isn't lethal though.


SOMETHING AGAINST YOU
When the sorcerer whispers this spell, he curses a person into believing that everyone he will meet over the next couple of minutes has a grudge against him.


BROKEN FACE
After pulling the earlobe of the desired object two times in a row, the sorcerer may rearrange the victim's face as he wishes for the next 10 seconds.


GIGANTIC
When sorcerers fall in love, bad things are bound to happen. If cursed by this spell, whenever the wizard sees the person s/he's in love with, he or she will grow in size.


RIVER EUPHRATES
A chanting spell that, when heard, causes anyone who hears it to start looking for a horse.


WHERE IS MY MIND?
When cast, makes the target float through the air as if he or she were under water.
How to cast: the wizard must stand on his head with his feet in the air -and then spin it.


CACTUS
With this spell, the sorcerer is able to send nearby clothes and stick them to a target for a minute.


TONY'S THEME
First, the wizard cast this spell on a group of people (no more than 20, but no less than 10).
Then, the wizard points at whoever he wants them to admire unconditionally. They will even try to chant his name (anyone not knowing the name of the one they're admiring will scream "TO! NY!" instead).


OH MY GOLLY!
The wizard is able to hide a secret message in his next sentence, even though it is spoken out loud.
Anyone meant to hear the actual message will hear it loud and clear.


VAMOS
This spell raises the heartbeat of the wizard. Or maybe it'll teleport the sorcerer to the nearest beach. I don't know, the writing on the page in the spell book is really crazy.


I'M AMAZED
The sorceress conjures three spirits from her past, to tell stories that lacks any moral. Anyone hearing this will be charmed senseless.


BRICK IS RED
At the touch of the sorcerer, the victim's eyes turns to diamonds, coloured pale blue. They're still functional, but most thieves are now more than willingly to pluck them out.

Monster's got the blues (or God is a bard)

Once in a while, the reanimated bones of a skeleton or the rotting corpse of an undead is struck by a distant memory from its past, from before it became what it is today.

In this moment of nostalgia, it is overwhelmed with sad feelings and an urge to release this sudden sadness. A few burst into fight, some are paralysed and frozen in place, but most burst into melancholic singing for some strange reason.

Unless attacked, the undead will complete its singing before returning to whatever it was doing before the memory struck.

There's a 5 % risk the singing will sadden anyone in its direct vicinity (that is listening). The affected person will be unable to act properly up till one minute after the singing ends.
All actions are performed with a penalty due to watery eyes.

The sad song is...
  1. ...gibberish words. Babble. But sad.
  2. ...the one about the farmer who fell in love with his scarecrow
  3. ...about a ghoul who was a fool to fall in love with the dove he just ate from a plate
  4. ...one food related word after the other
  5. ...about the dragon that ate a bride on her wedding day - over and over again, because they were stuck in time
  6. ...about how much it misses its mother
  7. ...about the boy who fell in love with the most beautiful person in the world, only to discover it was his own reflection (this is a duet)
  8. ...about the decline of a now long gone empire
  9. ...filled with words that rhymes with "love"
  10. ...about the dead hero who was resurrected by an evil necromancer, to serve as his minion for all eternity
If the undead lacks a tongue (and/or a throat), the song will be sung in silence.

(Image source)

The annual common goblin cold

During the long, cold winter, 1 out of 20 goblins is affected by the annual common goblin cold.

It's a short lived illness, lasting no longer than a a couple of days, during which the goblin besides sneezing will:
  • Put on a strange red hat
  • Disappear from the goblin village
  • And deliver presents

The goblin is struck by a compulsive behaviour, forcing it to hand out gifts whether the receiver wants it or not. It will do this mostly during the dark hours of the day.

The presents are wrapped in:
  1. Animal hide
  2. Expensive (probably stolen) cloths
  3. Used goblin underwear
  4. Torn clothes
  5. Moss
  6. A stained carpet
Unfortunately for the gift receiver, the wrapped present may contain anything the sick goblin finds during his travels, most probably something it steals from any settlements it wanders upon.
In general, the gift most probably contains:
  1. A wooden stick
  2. Kitchen utensils
  3. Goblin underwear
  4. A key
  5. A leather pouch containing three other things from this list
  6. 1d6 coins from another country
  7. A toe from a troll
  8. Wine with a strange taste of cinnamon
  9. A small iron box, locked. A sound can be heard from within.
  10. A leather strap with runes on it
  11. A bucket
  12. Dirt
The condition of the content is:
1-7. Normal
8. Broken/useless
9. The inverse of its obvious usage
10. Out of this world-magical
Although most goblins don't speak the human tongue, it never hurts to say "thank you".